This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-12-03 19:25:21 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Lila

Dressed in purple satin, trimmed in white lace; Lila sat up on the dusty toy store shelf taking up little space. Long dark curls framing an angelic porcelain face. December fifteenth and she was still there As the door of the toy store opened  blowing in cold arctic air. The shopper left smiling with a small teddy bear. December 20th was a very special day. Mr. James stopped in and took Lila away. December 22nd and Lila sat in a box wrapped in paper with silvery bows. Where is Lila going? No one knows. Cindy James, almost eight was sitting on her bed. Wishing that Santa would bring her what he had said. "A beautiful doll, a friend for all time, Someone to watch over her at night, Then play with her the fist glimpse of morning light." December 24th, Cindy James went to bed, after saying her prayers She looked up and said, "Merry Christmas dear Lord, May all of your wishes come true, thank you for everything and all that you do." December 25th, Christmas Day, Cindy opened up a very special box and didn't know what to say. Santa had kept his promise, Lila was a beautiful doll Dressed in purple satin, trimmed in white lace, Cindy beamed with joy. Oh what a wonderful Christmas it was. Oh what a wonderful toy.

Copyright © December 2006 DeniMari Z.

Additional Notes:
* Wrote this years ago, when I was more in to, writing short stories & poems for children. I used to make them up for my kids - as bedtime stories. Thought I'd post this - and see what the critics say, regardless if it's geared to the younger set, I imagine you all would have some helpful hints.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-01-07 20:15:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
DeniMari, This appears to me a story lived. A good little girl getting from her parents a wish come true. You were blessed with a good home where wishes were possible. That is the message in the story. How much greater can that be? Bless you and your family... Dellena


This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-12-26 11:25:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cindy James, really interesting. The Russians give a paternymic middle name to their children, taken after the given name of the father. Wonder if that's the case here. Very nice opening, novel in the perspective we're tracing the story line from the doll back, instead of simply a child wishing for it. You might do better with a tighter rhyming scheme, but then I seldom use one at all and you can rightfully accuse me of disingenuity. Not for the sake of form but that children, your best audience here, are apt to be oddly more conscious of that. They get an effect in their heads and expect it lyrically repeated. Kind of goes away in time though, after the blows to the head thing of growing up. DeniMarie, you have a nice quality you give to poeming that attaches well to lyrics. You might consider giving songwriting a try. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-12-22 12:59:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi. I like it. Overall, the idea, the story line is great. The ending produces the desired results (I think) and I can imagine that the young (and the old) will enjoy this. It has a few setbacks, I think. "taking up little space" is trite and forced. I see that that may be an important part of the picture, but it could be better daid. December fifteenth and she was still there As the door of the toy store opened blowing in cold arctic air. The shopper left smiling with a small teddy bear .....the first line is great. The second though, needs something. The words rattle a bit, stick to the tongue and don't say enough. Maybe you sould mention her long fronds of hair instead of the open door. Just a thought. December 24th, Cindy James went to bed, after saying her prayers She looked up and said, "Merry Christmas dear Lord, May all of your wishes come true, thank you for everything and all that you do." I think the innocence and grace are very well expressed! In all, I like this very much. I'm wondering if this little girl is you? Or perhaps one of your own children? The whole story is great for Christmas telling. What a nice switch from the grinch ! Merry Christmas to you! Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-12-13 15:24:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Denimari....this is a delightful story and I am sure any child would be enthralled by it. It can be difficult for an adult to write so that children will understand it but still keep the integrity of the poem and its theme. You have done a superb job with that in this one. I don't see any reason to change anything. I suppose you could go for a more uniform meter but would that make it any better for a child? No it would not! I would love to read more of these stories you wrote for your children. Well done Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2006-12-11 02:43:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
It's really prose, and I guess I'd lay it out that way. If it's in an illustrated kids book, all bets are off, and my comment is irrelevant. As to the story, seems a bit thin on plot. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2006-12-06 00:06:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Poet.......loved this poem; this tale of Lila......she is every little girls dream to have and to hold......super images danced within each line..........hope some of your children's stories have been published for they merit it. Thanks for sharing......great time to post a Christmas story. God bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-12-04 16:34:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I enjoyed the read and can see how this would appeal to children. I like the way you rhythm and rhyme scheme flows to tell this story and that you have gone day by day and the personification of the doll brings much to this. There is something tender about a doll or bear or toy of some sort being left on the shelf..I guess we relate somehow. thanks for sharing this delightful seasonal write.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-12-03 23:21:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
DeniMari, This is truly a wonderful poem especially for this time of year. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are a few lines that are a bit long, perhaps you can find a creative way to trim them down without loosing the meaning or feel of this write...just a suggestion. Adults and children alike should find this a delight. Thank you for the honor of viewing. Best, Lora
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