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This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2007-01-17 10:46:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The truth of the passion

I know that I am not so very smart. I know the words I'm using lack in art. I know because of this you think I'm dumb. So "dumb" is what I guess I have become. My mother, Mary, and my father, Joe, Said "Boy, there's one thing that you have to know. These people that surround you every day? You cannot trust a single word they say." It hurt so much to hear the words they said, I thought that I'd be better off if dead. And so I dealt with God to take my life Because I just couldn't stand the bullshit.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2007-02-03 00:48:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Mark, analogy fired for effect? OK, but the verbiage, sad rhyme scheme and content do nothing for this reader. If offense to the believer is the goal, it works. If poetic licence is streched to useless blabbering, consider it accomplished. Of no historical or theological merit, and of less poetic value. Sorry but this sounds like a long night of to many Bud Lights....

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-01-24 04:24:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89286
Good Morning Poet and thank you for posting. Good rhyme to this piece along with thoughts and images projected. Once again the title has captured my attention and brought me in to read. More then once I might add for it has much to absorb..........Take care, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-01-22 11:29:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Yep, Mark. I liked it all the way to the end. Bullshit is right-it just doesn't rhyme! I know that rhyme is not always a good reason to change a word-and your choice of words is powerful-but it falls to fast...lays too flat... Kind of like life huh? Don't give up too easily ok? Find a better way to end this and you'll have a better poem. Hopefully life is also getting better- or at least getting along...peace, Ellen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-01-21 21:55:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Mark, Join half of the human race..... 80% of Americans are sick of Bush and the war. People don't want more bullshit! You hit the mark with your every word. I think we need start over. You are a very sensative, smart fellow. Persevere and work toward betterment. p.s. change friends. Refreshing words. Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Teresa Green On Date: 2007-01-21 15:09:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mark, Wow! You sure know how to grab our attention when we're lazily reading the lilting rhyme and then, BOOM, you hit us with the anger and more then that, frustration that He must must have felt. This is very convicting. We're lucky we're not toast and maybe that's coming soon... Nicely done Mark! Kudos! Peace, Teresa

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-01-17 17:36:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark.....where in the world did this come from?? As I read it I am thinking..."This isn't Mark the bard." Language that is easy to understand with a nice little rhyme...rather unusual but pleasing. I think all of us question our intelligence from time to time and wonder if there is anyone we can really trust...pretty normal but sad. I have never considered suicide but have, on occasion, thought I would rather be dead than face what I knew lay ahead of me. Then I read your our last line and nearly fell off my chair! I didn't know if I should laugh or cry so at first I laughed. Then I thought if you were really serious it was in no way funny. I think it is important, when writing, to have your last line leave an impression...you have certainly done that. I'm so glad you are writing again and I hope you will continue...I have missed you. Hugs....Mazza

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sharon J Eisenmann On Date: 2007-01-17 14:58:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mark, Here's my take , for what it's worth, though I'm as dumb as a fence post. This is like a nice neatly wrapped package with a explosive device inside. Looks all (too) nicey nicey on the outside(what with the rhyming and all), but when opened explodes in ones face. Your sense of humor is kind of twisted, isn't it? Not that it's a bad thing. If you're serious then I apologize. I take the reference to the passion in the title to mean the passion of Christ. Seems you're saying you can't really find the understanding to relate to the whole Jesus thing and you feel gyped if you can't live the way the world lives and still be a Savior. lol sorry. My advise would be to get on some Prozac but then again you may actually like writting this type of stuff. I get the feeling like this was written for someone specific. I hope I haven't offended you. I'm new here and should probably behave better. Stay true to yourself, Sharon

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joan M Whiteman On Date: 2007-01-17 13:19:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mark, Great job! I'll be interested to see how the "purists" react to this "different" take on the story. Your technique (lulling the reader into a sense of slow rhyme, then a smack to the forehead with the last lines) is interesting and effective in emphasizing the bottom line of your story - (Was the crucifixion an act of salvation or simply an escape from the insanity of the human race?) Very enjoyable read! Joan W.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-01-17 12:09:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, Nice to see you. Interesting read, alot to be said for what you've written. Good cadance and like the rhyme, however one little nit. Now I know your point is "bullshit" however, good you not have used the word possibly like "strife" at least it would have kept with your rhyme scheme. You've few words to speak volumns, your parent were correct. Best, Lora

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