This Poem was Submitted By: Sharon J Eisenmann On Date: 2007-01-19 08:21:48 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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No More Sweet Sixteen

She sits studiously poring over            her dog-eared, King James translation. Creeping swivel rocker rythmaticly chirps  cricket-like above our sweaty heads. Oblivious  below in our hiding place            passions mount, pace racing to pinnacle. Upstairs, she prays for her family's fate while we collapse on the couch, breath rates  easing. When the creaking stops            footsteps sound near the upstairs door. "Would your friend like a ride home?"  We straighten collars, smooth hair, while I call,          "Thanks Mom, we'll be right there!"  And I think to myself, Oh Momma,                 keep praying.

Copyright © January 2007 Sharon J Eisenmann

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-01-28 15:46:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Sharon- I wonder how many like scenes have played. You take us to the moment; such a universal moment. Most guys want us to believe there is a lot of difference, but inside we all remember. The background you lay for us is picturesque- and it grants a look at a family upbringing. A stroke of genius is “cricket-like above our sweating heads”. You take the moment, the scene and make it a hidden sensual experience, yet somehow keep the innocence of the moment. The “ride home” takes us all, once more, to those times when normalcy was to be restored and relief at our secret secure. That feeling is almost as poignant as the eyes of the lover we were with. Excellent vision. And in the end- we are spent with you; you leave us with hope for our parents to never stop believing in us- to assist us, nevertheless the secret that remains. Superb verse. (sp. rhythmically)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-01-25 21:25:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78571
Sharon, And thank God for mother! Or how different your life would be! And then we raised our children...what a chore. Its interesting how so much of life borders around sex. Almost till the end. There have been many who gain control. I'm getting a bit of a handle on it. It can be to costly....emotionally and physically. It is a good look back remember write. Enjoyed the back to the past. The rocker squeaking is cute. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-01-20 18:41:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What a chuckle you have given me in your ending line......love it......actually I could visualize my own grandmother who used to sit in the rocking chair in the kitchen window saying her rosary every afternoon beginning at one. If you ever needed to do anything she did not like then was the time.......but back in those days we were in school. Well written, words expressed with such splendor and the title is so fitting. Thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-01-20 10:47:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Sharon this is delightful! I believe it may have some spelling/typo's but the picture is not at all tainted by them. I love the creaking rocker! It's funny how those things can 'cover and uncover' deep secrets... poring ..... rythmaticly..... I think your title is a great opener for this piece, while your last line is a perfect open-ended statement. I love it! I think this is splendid. Thanks for the delight! Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-01-19 17:49:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sharon, An interesting read, a scene played out more often than not in many homes. I'm a bit perplexed with the structure, trying to find a pattern, found it for me a bit distracting. I like the premis that you've used for this write but IMHO it needs a little more fine tuning. I did not get the passion of the moment or complexities there in, no bite... of course that may just be me. With your talents I'm sure you can hone this a bit a find that little something that is just below the surface, that little zing that impassions the write. I'm interested to see what you do with this poem.. Thank you for sharing this with us. Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-01-19 16:07:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Sharon...wheather you mean it this way or not this is a dlightful poem! I was never in that position but I think it is played out in many households. We parents (thank heavens mine are raised) do not always know what their children are doing and at some point the only thing you can do is pray. A mother upstairs reading the bible while her daughter gets it on in the parlor...priceless. I like the form you used to display this piece...the uneven lines work very well here. Written in free verse it flows well and the structure is good....well done! cheers....Marilyn
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