This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-02-06 11:06:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Empire of the Unredeemed
from deep within eternal torment’s zone
the Dark Lord’s howling voice will call you down
and post you on that loathsome liar’s throne
as long-tongue tales attain your condign crown
mendacity and pestilence your bane
you stand before his threshold’s cunning tole
yet gilded doors shield not truth’s burning rain
nor mask the nigritude within your soul
rife dissonance the gift you will impart
upon your victims mortal souls unbound
as ice picks rain down from your cold steel heart
you plant your field of stone on potter’s ground
exhumed from life, amongst malefic sway
and banished to the ambit of neglect
it's there his thunder makes infernals quake
and loneliness lays claim to all that’s left
~ |
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Copyright © February 2007 Mary J Coffman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-03-05 02:31:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77273
powerful opening poet, good form, images and emotions fill the spaces..........I think his should be capitalized.....just my own personal thought.......would not otherwise change a thing. Thanks for posting and sharing, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-03-01 15:08:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Wow! This is an awesome write! I must admit that I used the dictionary to help me through this, and then I had to sit back and let it 'fumigate' so that I could ssoak up the meaning. I ended up feeling eerily learned in the dark realm....
It is really well written, as I can find nothing in my dictionary to pick at with your word choices. It is a haunting piece for sure. I really like it.
Well done my friend!
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-02-11 17:38:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi Mary...this is a superb poem. It is written with such clarity and the word choices as fabulous.
Written in lower case without punctuation and in quatrains is very effective. I have read it several times just to feel the words and then to dig inside the lines and enjoy the enormity of the words. It is very dark and somewhat disturbing but nevertheless I enjoyed every line. I had to look up "nigritude"...what a great word and perfect for this write. "and loneliness lays claim to all that's left" is such a melancholy way to end this poem but it is a perfect fit with the emotion and passion of this poem. Well done and I can't help myself I must throw red roses at your feet!
Blessings....Marilyb
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-02-08 23:35:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Phew, Mary,
Where have you been lately, too much snow and seclusion? Never the less, this is an awesome undertaking, “Dark Lord’s howling voice will call you downâ€â€”goosebump time and “yet gilded doors shield not truth’s burning rain†– indeed, often truth burns, no escaping it. I think though I’m exceptionally fond of “you plant your field of stone on potter’s ground†now that seems to be summing it all up, delicious line and then of course I liked the one following “ exhumed from life, amongst malefic swayâ€â€¦wonderful lines indeed. Clever, articulate and well penned; good cadence, no nits from this reader. (I kept wanting to end your last line with “feyâ€, haven’t a clue why)
Best always,
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