This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-02-17 10:37:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Voyage I clutched earth but sought the sea,
my footsteps were forlorn.
My soles once rooted and lost in scree
now wend to ocean’s dome.
Shimmers of red and silver fade
in dark water’s mellow sway.
The ship’s rails were my palisade,
the helm set forth our way.
The briny air rode a fickle breeze.
Uncluttered stars lit night,
then torched the darkened seas
with convex gleams of light.
An avalanche of foam deceived
the silence of our path.
My heart once quiet and besieged
dared enough to laugh.
When I heard waves berate the hull
and lonesome seabirds sigh.
Tunes of my song rang gleeful
like notes in a lullaby.
I embark on my life’s quest
as island’s color withers.
I stand apart from my life’s breath,
alive in ocean whispers.
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Copyright © February 2007 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
My husband always wanted to take me on a cruise but was too ill...so I took the trip for both of us. This poem is about that voyage.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-03-04 22:30:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Marilyn,
You are getting soooooo good.
I like your so descriptive words.
Subject is good.
I like this as well as your other this month [swing-winter]
The flow is good, it pulls you along.
I think a word is needed here;
An avalanche of foam deceived
the silence of our path.
My heart once quiet and besieged
dared [brave......?]enough to laugh.
Other than that the rhythm good/rhyme great.
Fun to read.
It had evrerything..aloneness, love/beauty/adventure.
Really quite nice. I'm going to have to step up my beat!
keep on,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-02-18 13:56:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Caught with your footsteps, you took us on that voyage with you. There is power and resilience in this piece. I could, without closing my eyes (which I can't do and read), (maybe that should be the next evolution, letting the author read the poem as well as display it), smell the sea fare- and I know the "forlorn" of standing against rail with passionate thoughts clouding the gunwale.
Your title is a metaphor, that of taking a sojourn, not only on the ship, but within, to meet the matter that remained. It is poignant and fruitful.
Some of your early words grab us to look deeper: “clutched†“forlorn†“scree†and we know there is a voyage here beyond our initial evaluation. In your following stanza, the passions are tempered as other thoughts bring in a vision: “fade†“mellow†“palisade†“set forthâ€, I particularly like your rhyme scheme, it seems to fit the sway of a ship on a “voyageâ€.
when you move on to the medium, the “oceanâ€, you capture personality “briny†“fickle†and the beauty of traversing, “uncluttered stars†“convex gleams†“avalanche of foam†(delicious)-
and finally we stand alone with you- on the voyage.
“heart daring to laughâ€
“waves berating… lonesome seabirds… rang gleefulâ€, “ like notes in a lullaby- and I think the type of song is indicative to what is needed on a voyage, that of through the need and passions, finding a peace and place of rest among the externalities, or internal struggles.
I particularly liked “dared enough to laughâ€. I could hear Foamfollower in Lord Foul’s Crèche thinking that very thing.
I embarked with you- and found sustenance as you found “life’s breathâ€. You leave us, in your last line, with an endemic answer, that of the voyage, of the medium, “alive in ocean whispersâ€. I cannot but applaud the moment.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-02-18 13:24:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Dear Marilyn,
Wow - way to go! Something good, has come of something bad, because this poem is truly inspiring.
First, let's see - aside from the fantastic imagery you've created, and aside from the perfected rhyming scheme,
the message, of how beautiful a cruise can be, to someone who really sees, is great! Friends of mine, recently described their cruise to me, and all I got from that was, food was too expensive, and they made animals out of the towells. Your cruise is more too my liking.
Great depth, immerges from this poem. The reader picks up the vibes, of lonliness, sadness, but not regret.
In this story, the reader can feel the isolation of someones heart, but hope shows through, with daring to laugh. My favorite verse is the last - where you say "I embark on my life's quest as island's color withers",
very poetic, and appealing. I could go on and on, but just want you to know, how much I enjoyed this poem.
Best with this one.
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-02-17 13:23:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
How proud your husband is that you took the trip for both of you.........and it certainly sounds like a wonderful voyage filled with many wonderful things.......the sound of the ocean waves , the sighs of the seabirds, the starts dancing in the night sky............to be so close to the heavens alone is thrilling and your words certainly have allowed us to be there with you as you journeyed on your way. I went on a big boat just once.....when my husband was serving in the United States Coast Guards we were allowed aboard ship as it was docked in port. I got sea sick just from being on board and ruined any further thoughts of sailing the high seas. Thanks for sharing, God Bless, Claire
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