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under the windtunnels With plenty of room, I lie on my back and stretch reach out for the world as if by chance some embrace would envelope me..... no It is not to be as easy as that not a gift to be recieved with haste too free for me... no To be touched is to love as to love is to touch both are revealing flash of lightening... no I turn my attention back to the darkness to hear the whining of the lost winds sad they have no way to enter in I am covered by their shadows. yes I have plenty of room to lay at rest dancing are the lights left to be my company here in the tunnels where the wind is my breath... yes I wrap my arms around my chest this is the world that I trust I find comfort and solice upon my own breast. yes I've known what you've said and felt you stare but I'll not be your cross to bear You'd like to be my hero today but you can't hold what the wind takes away your deeds are scattered and are spit out gravity is my cradle and so I stay in the wind tunnels |
Additional Notes:
Exploring different styles....this is not from my edwardian usual stuff....I'm trying to be flexible!
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-03-05 09:03:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The euphemism of "wind tunnels" is an interesting one for the alternative to
companionship we find today among society-at-large, "but you can't hold what
the wind takes away." Herein the reader can progress to many parallels in life
with this "wind" and its parallels, as the storm can approach being what of
life is perplexity.
All forms of rhyme are present here, working very well as yours usually examples.
Resignation to "gravity" in the last line is appropriate to man's condition on
this earth in many ways, amid a society that offers less and less direction, but
more and more confusion to roles, values, morals.
"I am covered by their shadows", the best divergence you make in imagery from
your repeated play on "wind tunnels, is yet not a forceful enough element to well
compete. This poem needs such a dramatic relief or the reader comes to feel you
harangue an issue. A stronger image/images would do nicely.
Otherwise, Ellen, you show remarkable ability with poetic language, especially
the way you have of turning lines so they seek with their meanings, echo.
The romantic illusion is in this, as with some of your other work, although
shown somewhat to have failed you. If you make more a universal contruence of
this tendency, your poem will draw on more power.
JCH