This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-03-08 11:31:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Immersion
I swim
in fiery red cinders of
abandon
and sip sweet nectar
from the cerise center
of your bloom
tenderly tasting
with white cotton tongue
as I drown
in the cherry flavored vertigo
of your kiss
…breathless
~ |
|
Copyright © March 2007 Mary J Coffman
Additional Notes:
Just another exercise in the metaphorical realm....
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-03-26 19:26:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
I think it sounds like a bird getting nectar from a red flower.
Lovely thinking it as a kiss.
Not sure of white cotton tongue?
an iris/
Immersion into another....
very sensual.
Indeed
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-03-13 12:26:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow Mary....this one certainly leaves the reader breathless as one image turns into another and another willing more as it ends. Not much for offering something as this works very well for me as is. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-03-11 08:49:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The confusion of senses here is interesting, Mary. "fiery red cinders of/abandon"
and "cherry flavored vertigo/of your kiss" are admixtured into imagery expressing
the feelings of bewilderment and daze.
Taken over, "as I drown", progressed from, "I swim", the reader comes to fathom
this poem's first person as the sensual embodiment of its own title, Immersion.
Partly, losing sense to become so immersed, we come to have, as readers an almost
prurient voyeurism with that, "cerise center/of your bloom".
Naughty, naughty, naughty.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-03-10 21:20:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
As a moth to flame? Love seduces and is seduced by itself, in this I envisioned two roads; the one of a moth lured to the bloom...and that of woman lured to man. To drown in a sea of love and passion, and then, we rise again so we can do it all over... fiery red cinders and white cotton tongue are wonderfully discriptive words. Enjoyed this.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2007-03-10 03:10:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
simply beautiful. your use of language is so lyrical, so sweet and subtle. im so jealous of what you have created here, this piece makes me feel so inadequate poetically. thank you.
charlie
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-03-09 20:44:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Mary,
This is a good poem, pleasant to read and flows well. I like all of the imagery you have used in this, with the exception of "with white cotton tongue." This line brings up an unpleasant picture, in the middle of very good imagery. It's just my opinion - but it makes me think of someone who is ill, with a coated tongue.
I'd just change that one part - but that could be tuff, because really, tongues are not pretty. Perhaps just make the tongue "with pink cotton tongue", or leave it colorless and describe it another way. "My", tongue,
or omit it altogether and just say "tenderly tasting - as I drown...."
I think you're doing exceptionally well with metaphors - this piece is tender, and romantic.
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-03-08 16:40:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mary...you are becoming a master at these terse metaphors! I have not been able to come up with the gist of this piece. At first I thought it might be a butterfly that is speaking but the white cotton tongue threw me for a loop there! You have spoken of the color red more than once...red cinders of abandon...which is pretty sensual when I think about it....then cerise center and cherry flavored vertigo. Woe is me I don't think of vertigo being a color. However, putting all that aside I like this poem....it is intriguing and mysterious, which I like. It has an even flow and good descriptors all of which is pleasing to read. You can tell me what the metaphor is and I promise not to tell!!
Blessings....Marilyn
p.s. hope you are feeling better
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!