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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-03-12 12:43:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Cloud

Little white cloud cries Alone midst marbled gray sky Atop deep valleys Lazy lakes, pale swans of grace Gossamer rain in heaven

Additional Notes:
This is a Tanka poem. The count is...5-7-5-7-7

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-03-27 22:06:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, I'm not quite sure if one little cloud can cry alone? Maybe hitting onto a mountain? None the less this special cloud does...... This feel a bit sad, a bit alone with the world so vast! "Little white cloud' could be a native american name. And the owner of the name, soft, pure, sensitive, alone, and the viewer of beauty. Lovely Tanks, Walk In Beauty, Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-03-18 11:46:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn, There's a lot said, in these few lines. The cloud could be a metaphor, for a person also. You've managed to pack imagery in this - white cloud cries, marbled gray sky (very nice) atop deep valleys, and I like the picture of lazy lakes/ and the great rhyme scheme you've developed here. Gossamer rain in heaven......very unique line, untraditional, new and fresh - truly poetic. This poem give off great vibes - and I'm thrilled with the idea, that so few words, can hold so much meaning. Very nicely done, once again. sincerely, Denimari

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-03-17 13:12:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
A poem, Marilyn, whose meter requirements have left out some clarifying conjunctions. One on first read comes to think the "Lazy lakes" are the "pale swans of grace" (too dissimilar to be good imagery,) to wonder what lakes and not rivers are doing in valleys and if those lakes sit above heaven to provide that "Gossamer rain". Then they read it again and, if having acquired poetry reading skill, realize you've made justified demand on it. Slowly becoming, like eyes in focus after deep sleep, drawn to a stage as the curtain slowly retracts. You refer to "Little white cloud" and Cloud is your title. It might help, without hurting meter, if you render, therefore, pale swan of grace instead of "pale swans of grace". At least it would have helped my first read...a lot. Grand imagery and excellent use of structure. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2007-03-15 21:32:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
the lone insignificant drowning in a sea dull greys, but overlooking something lower. in the midst leisure and privilege---tears in heaven. i see the privileged only child suffocating in a blanket of facades, that hangs with the "wrong crowd" to feel acceptance in an otherwise loveless world. one who sees the "supposed more unfortunate", only having one another, as the truly "wealthy". the sobbing prince....or princess....gonna try one myself... charlie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-03-13 11:40:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Very nice Tanka my friend. Clouds........I love seeking out clouds in the morning sky just checking to see if mom left a vision or two for me to find. love the image created of this one little cloud crying ...marble gray sky...lazy lakes...pale swans of grace....all works so very well together and the count is right on. Thanks for posting and sharing. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-03-12 23:25:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, Oh for such a place, for the peace and tranquility, the joys of nature and cosmos combined, truly a small slice of heaven carried on the count of your tanka. Deep breaths, yes, this is most refreshing. Lora

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