This Poem was Submitted By: charles r pitts On Date: 2007-03-15 21:34:48 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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my first tanka it starts with a look
eyes basking in self-glory
waiting for the bite
though neither fully clueless
still they circle...cautiously |
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Copyright © March 2007 charles r pitts
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2007-04-02 21:27:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Charles, I just happened to run into this while checking the list and saw your title..you had mentioned one time that you were interested in these forms. This is quite interesting, most tankas are nature based, a extention of a haiku usually. I like this because you could be defining many different creatures (smile) which gives the reader licence to slip whatever or whomever into the lines. every interesting and I like your slant on the form.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-04-02 16:24:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Damn, those shark critters...I'm waiting to pop one on the nose
with the butt of my diving knife.
The short poem reminds me of one firm whipe of the brow, the feel of sun beginning
to bask on a grateful back in winter, the moment the first touch is made on the
hand of one adored. It is the "take" on something in life done so well it either
revives an old experience freshly or gives us a new one.
You did the former for me, Charles, and I'm not wholly happy about that.
Shudder, shudder, shudder.
Your first try and a successful one.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Gene Dixon On Date: 2007-04-02 15:35:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Charles - A tanka it is, according to the syllabic count! According top the
words and phrases, it is an emotional, energy-packed poem. A vivid pictue of
two "somethings", circling...looking for the opening...all started by that
should-be-avoided gesture - eye contact in hostile territory.
Good work. Enjoyable read.
Peace
Gene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-03-22 21:15:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
You did very well with your first Tanka poet......true to form and perfect on count. Looking forward to more of your work. God Bless, Claire
Your words tend to bring more then one image alive......well done.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-03-22 13:35:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Complete circle of thought and still with mystery! I like it. It is very picturesque and even a bit of a fantasy there. I like the line about the 'eyes'..especially. This is a good work Charles, I'm glad I caught it. If this is your first, I can't wait to see your second! Cheers! Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-03-16 15:01:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Charles....for your first attempt at a tanka you did a superb job! Your count is spot on and you have made good word choices. You have clothed this write in mystery as you are letting the reader decide who is basking in self-glory waiting for the bite! The phrase 'still they circle' makes me think of a bird of prey or a vampire bat or better yet a vampire. Or one could imagine this as a man or woman seeking a conquest. You will need to enlighten me! Well done!
cheers....Marilyn
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