This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-05-22 15:20:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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tetons (haiku)

grand teton mountains His creation embraces earth majestic beauty giant sentries guard nature’s imposing treasure God’s magical gift 

Copyright © May 2007 marilyn terwilleger

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2007-06-03 18:23:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mazza I think there is sufficient difference between this and the revised version to regard them as separate, stand-alone poems. The revision seems to take a different subject to this one. It's more in keeping with Eric Satie's "Three Gymnopedies", which have been likened to three different views of one statue. I think that's what you have with this and your revision: the revision is not an "improved" version, it is a different picture of the same object taken from a different angle ... worthy, therefore, of a different title. Both are lovely encapsulations. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-05-30 05:56:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.73333
Indeed a lovely picture you have presented with this one poet though I do believe one line is off count by one..........thanks for sharing the beauty in God's creation with us. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-05-27 22:19:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, The imagery is nice, Majestic/magical too alike I only felt let down on the last line/like it was an easy end [I've done this also] Don't just say god's magical gift/tell me why it is? I want something to take me up to the peak......compelling me to look up...... [snowy peaking a crown][crowned with snow halo] Whatever, My best Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-05-25 21:57:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Marilyn, Find haiku poetry, good count except as I read "His creation embraces earth" it had an eight count...My understanding though is that one can use whatever count they need if necessary to convey thought; now of course there are many schools of thought and guidelines on haiku writing so...I say it is perfect. The thoughts conveyed here are spot on and pure...great job. Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-05-24 16:36:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, being near mountains, and finding them almost dietific in splendor, i appreciated this piece. The name, Grand Tetons, already adds to the clarity of the span of that beauty. In line two your sylablles are 8 rather than seven. I think if you left off "his" the line stands well, considering that "creation" already implies a creator, thus the "him". The choice of "gift" is an important one considering creation. In all, moving from "sentries" to "magical" adds a Buckingham Palace feel to our front door. "Nature"- there is the treasure, and you capture it well.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-05-23 17:01:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Well, the Japanese seem equally impressed with that grand "ditch", the Grand Canyon. But I like your preference better. But then the Japanese would hint your haiku has too many modifiers, but I like your choice just fine too. What the hell do they know? I'd even put this poem on my tsuba (sword guard.) Can't find enough "modifiers" to adequately praise His Work. Guess their problem is they make a man into a god and call him emperor. And the accurately applied modifiers for that little minion would be limited. JCH
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