This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2007-06-08 09:42:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The cyclone fencing of Sunshine's gardens ends at the steel-green of thistles that troop in from the north.  A railway line overrides, superior to this conflict in its indifference. Deep behind thistle lines we infiltrate following the train line, our rifle newly gun-metal-blued, its bolt slick with precision.                                One bullet loaded, I train it on the trestle of the Quarter Mile Bridge.  My big moment: the bridge rings like my father, laughing it off.

Copyright © June 2007 Mark Andrew Hislop

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2007-07-29 10:57:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The strength of the consonants match the strength of the message in this amazing and evocative poem. Sorry I saw it too late for the contest. The last line is chilling. Great Poem Rach The cyclone fencing of Sunshine's gardens ends at the steel-green of thistles that troop in from the north. A railway line overrides, superior to this conflict in its indifference. Deep behind thistle lines we infiltrate following the train line, our rifle newly gun-metal-blued, its bolt slick with precision. One bullet loaded, I train it on the trestle of the Quarter Mile Bridge. My big moment: the bridge rings like my father, laughing it off.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-07-05 07:47:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Great read poet, words filled with images, love the ending as much as all that leads up to it. Thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-06-26 20:04:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Mark, It would be difficult, I believe to be a male. The responsability of raising a family and then protecting them. And growing up/being mature to do right by them!' I think manhood is more exciting than womanhood. More challenges which would be great fun. And always you will be youre fathers boy. Parents love you the most and want the best for you, and yet children can't seem to measure up to them/most likely because parents will always be 20 or 30 years wiser. Children finally catch up after they are gone. Sad but true. You made me think of my children/and my parents. We learn too lte... Great job Mark! Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-06-15 09:36:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mark, What an interesting piece on how to enter manhood. This is very unique and that is what poetry is all about expressing a thought or part of life in a manner that stays within the readers mind. This is what you accomplished for this reader especially the ring off of the bridge. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-06-09 15:09:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Hi Mark....the ending of this piece is fact I sat upright in my chair when I read it. So I went back (several times) and re-read the poem. You use the words 'we & our' so I got an image of two young boys creeping through thistles to converge on a train line on the bridge above them. I thought this mischief can't be a good thing but having raised two boys myself, I just smiled and wonder what these boys intended to do. In the last strophe it is only you that draws a bead on the bridge. I'm thinking the bridge is a metaphor for all the accomplishments in your life that have not been recognized by your father. Perhaps you feel you never quite lived up to his expectations and he has the audacity to laugh instead of giving the encouragement that you so dearly desire. I have probably destroyed the real intent of this poem and if I did I know you luv me enough to forgive me! Well I hope so anyway. You should be proud of "Porcupine" as it did very well in last month's contest. In fact, everything you write and post here does dare ya accomplishment that should not be overlooked. Take care, be happy and stay well.... lotsa....Mazza
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-06-08 12:42:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, For me this is phenomenal, the images, the emotions, the right of passage, all are superb in your well crafted poem. I find no nit only that I'm drawn to read again and delve into memories of my own that were long forgotten. I surrendered to the joy, excitement and even that final unsteady moment realizing again that it is not the kill but the ceremonious hunt; the things that linger long in the mind when others are gone. Kudos, and a red rose at your foot...for me this poem is perfection. Best always, Lora
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