This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-06-20 10:30:13 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Gone October wakened, dabs of frost
you left me in the rain.
The gray persuades while blue was lost
I trod the sodden lane.
Tawny leaves shed from the trees
stars have escaped the sky,
a heavenly play only my eye sees.
Sorrow speaks, lonesome sigh.
Contentment will become the Spring
I’ll wipe away a tear.
You’re gone… your soul has taken wing,
memory’s echo draws near.
When April morns regain their mild,
glories of dawn persist.
The drumming rain is now beguiled,
I’ll save the tear I’ve missed.
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Copyright © June 2007 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2007-08-11 05:49:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
Your words are beautiful, and I can feel the depth as I read. I too lost my husband in October. As a matter of fact, my husband, grandma and mother all died within a 2 week period in October. That was 6 years ago and I still miss them every day. I wrote a poem called October Rain. It is about that dreadful October when they died. My heart to yours as I wish you a gentle healing.
Rene'
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-07-05 16:16:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89474
Gone but never forgotten. Good structure, word flow, feelings and emotions along with images are all created with the flare of your pen. Nice rhyme as well. Hope you are well, God Bless and best of wishes for this months contest. Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-07-04 16:24:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81250
Marilyn,
I like all but the last line. poo
I don't understand/saving the tear...you missed.
It seems you grab at any ending you can....I personally have the hardest times with
endings. I want my poem done but can't sum up the meaning of it all.
I understand the missing pain but it just didn't end right for me.
Otherwise I liked it. Your verbage is so very poetic.
[I like this]
The gray persuades while blue was lost
I trod the sodden lane.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-07-01 16:51:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, from the moment of your title there is an affinity with this piece. We are all assured, from that title that the ending is a foregone conclusion. “Goneâ€, and we all look up with the writer.
With your setting, we become both a part of the feeling, as much as a part of the setting. “frostâ€, “rainâ€, “grayâ€, “blue†“sodden†immediately brings the reader to share the “gone†with the writer. “October†is a clue to death causing the loss, but that is tempered by October being “wakenedâ€; a twist of the impression.
In S2 you bring us to the “treesâ€, “shed leavesâ€, “stars escaping the skyâ€, and the sorrow “speaking with lonesomeness†while the eyes are viewing “heavenâ€. Surely the death, and the Autumn “wakened†draws heavily on the soul.
“Springâ€, “Contentment†is an oasis viewed as the place for rest and presumed joy. “Memories†are the reason that those moment are reachable again- they have to be.
With spring there is respite, when strength will be sufficient to stem the tears. With the coming of spring, there is a longing for Autumn. “Save the tearâ€- with the next awakening of Autumn, comes the allowance of those echoes again.
Passionate piece Marilyn. It contains strong images.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-06-26 23:14:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn,
I should keep a box of tissues near me, for when I read some of these poems. This is an emotional stir, of love that has been lost. You must have had a great relationship with your husband. Your one true love, in life.
Your poem, creates the feeling of how much you loved him, and going on without him has made you feel inside.
Completely poetic in style, structure and a good rhyming scheme. Nothing read forced, or stopped the read with hesitations. I always appreciate a poem, that flows as well as this.
I've re-read this to see, if it needed any changes, or working on, and it doesn't.
Another very good write my friend.
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-06-26 08:47:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Marilyn,
I found this a heart felt moving poem, sadness, rememberance and yet in the end a peaceful exceptance for now, a sense of hope for tomorrow. Your wonderful verbiage and flow made this an easy read although sad, still enjoyable.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joan M Whiteman On Date: 2007-06-23 18:35:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn - Your poem has a univcersal quality that allows various interpretations. Could be read
as a eulogy to a loved one who passed away (in that sense, a lovely tribute and beautiful "goodbye")
or - it might just be about a "parting of the ways" for two lovers - the "death" of a love affair,
as it were (again...a lovely tribute, beautiful "goodbye" with an added: "I will survive").
Whatever the interpretation, this is nicely done!
Joan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-06-22 08:29:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Marilyn,
In the first stanza you give me a smoothe rhymetic mood that takes the reader into the next stanza. In the second stanza it feels a little rough but that is only this readers opinion. The first two lines are smoothe but the third and fourth slow me down from the rhythme you set in the first stanza.
a heavenly play (my eye's only see).
Sorrow speaks, lonesome (is the) sigh.
just a thought not the solution.
In the third stanza you give the reader the beat once again and the words that show the loss. I like how you bring the thought of memory into the fourth stanza.
A poem well done. Thomas
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