This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-07-07 19:17:02 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Severance
In contradiction
you exist
a dismal victim virtuoso
performing
in compliant concordance
with the demon’s golden voice
hiding frailty with force
you serve subterfuge as fodder
and love becomes lies
In frantic fragments
I subsist
vulnerable
I fall prey to your pretext
as white-washed words
and pale promises
adroitly pilfer my happiness
... methodically
one heartache at a time
a surreptitious strategy
to sodomize my soul
fury finds an ally in your nature
acrimony strangles rational
arrogance of insolence intensifies
- perilously -
a poisonous plague
transforming rapport to reprobate
an opprobrious testament to temperance
displaying degrees
of perverse pleasure
like a desperate enemy
my love for you has turned against me
within churning currents of raw emotion
- feathers in a storm -
it’s suddenly sucked away
forsaken
agonizingly empty lost powerless
a casualty of callousness
hollow and deadened
....stars you once hung in my eyes
have turned to heavy rain
~ |
|
Copyright © July 2007 Mary J Coffman
Additional Notes:
Dedicated to my son, whose readiness to die greatly overwhelms his reasons to live.
Just in case:
* adroitly - cleverly, nimbly, skillfully
* acrimony - bitterness, spite, hostility
* opprobrious - deserving or bringing shame/disgrace.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-08-07 21:22:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The philosphy of the piece is well written. I threw out my first two critiques; I was too emotionally wrought up in the differce that perspective makes.
Your piece is powerful; you piece is well written; your piece suffices for you point.
My assumption is your perspective on the military. I couldn't disagree with that perspective more. However; a philosphical debate is not my desire. Your piece needs not improvement.
It is perfect to your point, maybe beyond such.
An excellent write!!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-08-07 15:58:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
Mary,
Upon first read I thought this to be an estranged husband.
But it being your son this is triple sad.
a poisonous plague
transforming rapport to reprobate
an opprobrious testament to temperance
displaying degrees
of perverse pleasure
This bit makes me believe that this is drug related!
You could write this about him as well.
His personality changed, his personal misrey began.
I pray yur son gets help and wellness.
I've tried to 'help'him [enabling him]myself for over 30 yrs.[he's 45 in prison as we speak]
there is virtually nothing you can do to change it. It's like trying to get someone to quit
smoking.Impossible.
I have such empathy for you and your heartache.
One thing may help you: a thought.....[have you seen the secret?]
it says thoughts are energy......whatever we think good/or bad we draw to ourselves.
I've preached to my son about drugs forever [drawing them unconsciously/making them even bigger
and more powerful than they already are.. giving drugs a spotlight to shine even more!
I won't anymore. They don't live in my mind anymore.. I give drugs no more energy.
My son's life is his to do with as he wants it's his choice. I'm pro-sobriety.
instead of war with drugs. no war but for peace. Then I'll draw peace instead of war....
Maybe this will help.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2007-08-07 12:12:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
mary,
this piece gives me chills, makes my stomach churn at the thought behind the writing. You have caught the helpless feeling of family and friends trying to relate to someone who has no will to live. Anger!! your choice of language <diction> is dense in description. I love the open format and use of slight punctuation to give an almost heartbeat to the cadence. your use of alliteration is fantastic....it rolls off the tongue and keeps the beat of the poem...going...going... the following lines really struck my senses:
In frantic fragments
I subsist
vulnerable
I fall prey to your pretext
as white-washed words
and pale promises
adroitly pilfer my happiness
... methodically
one heartache at a time
a surreptitious strategy
to sodomize my soul
I am not much of a critic, all I can say is this one is great. Keep up the good work.
bright blessings
Jana
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-08-01 21:32:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Dear Mary,
I'm sorry, for your reason for writing this poem, but you have clearly written a keeper here.
It's just an amazing read, each line, stands out with such bold passion, and clear conviction, I really feel you have surpassed your other pieces in this. The heartache he is bringing you - has taken over - but being a parent myself - I can relate to how children, at no matter what age, can do things that bring us completely unglued.
The last two lines were my favorite, as they are poignant and mesmerizing to me. A deep, deep sadness exists within each verse - as the recognition that you can't change his thought processing - and lift him up out of what seems to be a black depression.
My heart goes out to you, because I know you have been through a lot already. My prayers are with you.
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2007-07-27 10:37:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Severance
Interesting title that maks us want to know more.
In contradiction
you exist
a dismal victim virtuoso [wonderful alliteration]
performing
in compliant concordance
with the demon’s golden voice
["the demon" is a seems a litle too telling - is there a more subtle way to suggest this specific evil?]
hiding frailty with force [great]
you serve subterfuge as fodder
and love becomes lies [ah, yes]
In frantic fragments
[could these two lines be reversed so it would read more naturally without losing intent and so the f alliteration would not be so very close? ]
I subsist
vulnerable
I fall prey to your pretext [really nice line]
as white-washed words
and pale promises [a little ordinary]
adroitly pilfer my happiness
... methodically
one heartache at a time [GREAT}
a surreptitious strategy
to sodomize my soul [wow!]
fury finds an ally in your nature
acrimony strangles rational
arrogance of insolence intensifies
- perilously -
a poisonous plague
transforming rapport to reprobate [love it!]
an opprobrious testament to temperance
displaying degrees
of perverse pleasure
like a desperate enemy
my love for you has turned against me
within churning currents of raw emotion [don't think you nead "raw" here - it weakens the line]
- feathers in a storm - [great]
it’s suddenly sucked away
forsaken
agonizingly empty lost powerless
a casualty of callousness
hollow and deadened
....stars you once hung in my eyes
have turned to heavy rain [great ending for a marvelous piece. Good to see your work again - forgive me my suggestions if they seem too didactic.
Best
Rachel
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-07-22 17:27:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
It never gets any easier when it comes to those we love especially if it is our children. They say it helps to purge/write, a way of venting so we can move on to other ways of coping; I don't know but thank you for your open honesty and candor--now one will not have to feel so alone when dealing with something similar. I would not change a thing, no nits here; just deepest empathy.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-07-21 14:42:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Hi Mary....The first time I read this poem I knew you were speaking of a loved one but I thought it was your husband or significant other...then I read your author's notes and my heart sank. To have such sad feelings concerning a child has to be the ultimate in emotional pain. Your words are gut wrenching and the way you wrote them cascading down the page, one short line after the other, seems like they are heading toward darkness from which they won't return. Your heart and soul are not only broken but fractured into little pieces and I am so sorry that your son has given you such pain. You don't give a reason for his readiness to die but whatever it is must be totally consuming to him. Such a doleful poem that is well written and very compelling....well done. I wish both you and your son well and hope you can soon find peace. Brava.
Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-07-16 10:55:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, your foot-note strikes me as quite amusing. Had I done that it would
almost universally been taken as some kind of arrogant gesture. That, however,
doesn't mean I would not have sometimes found it appropriate or that I'm not
always at the ready with disgust for those that prod such banality as, "why
don't you use words everyone understands?"
Guess we could, if you follow such logic, still beat on drums and grunt.
Your poem has a diatribe-like appeal, but you avoid that contention (charge)
by sustaining your passion into thought. Suddenly the tragic aspect (loving
something painful to endure)progresses into cold, hard logic.
We would like to think we hang the stars for our children; with your quality
of thought, I suppose you may have...many of them. But we're not the whole
of their environment, one filled with influences more grandiose (embellished)
than grand. Don't opine (sorrow) one got its stinger in too far to remove.
The Spartans may have had, to some degree, the right idea. They turned their
little progeny (offspring) out to fend for themselves hardly much after they
had teethed. Forming bands similar to that found in a William Golding novel,
they foraged and stole (though badly treated if ever caught.)
Cruel though it was, it made for magnificent men and women. Adequate to the
times when the times were indeed hard.
I tell you this to suggest a slight shift in mindset, one that might offer
your eloquent passions some relief. Something that might better allow an
extraneous (alternate) venue (way) to see your son as far more than the upstart
I'm certain he is (dangled participle.)
When I first was reading this, before I got to the foot-note, I was struck that
you were reproaching (ragging on) an ex-lover or ex-lover to be. Thus I would
have simply replied, if the times have taught us anything, it is to minimize
expectations of anything allowed to "butter our bread" (lewd metaphor)...
(vulgarity)....(not nice.)
If he has presented himself as fodder in this pointless "war"...then I grieve
with you. That becomes another thing entirely and is nothing to search for
amusement. Nothing good going in, less for which to hope, coming out.
You have the sophistication to grasp that structure in poetry today should resort
solely to the purpose of aiding the reader read the poem as the poet intended it
read. Those that disagree should have been born 200 years ago...or more.
Remove the cliche', "feathers in a storm" to keep the elevation you have achieved.
"A surreptitious (definition please)strategy/to sodomize my soul" is my favorite
line. One that may not be in keeping with cold hard logic, but bears so well
on the soliloquy of a MacBeth, Othello, or Richard III as eloquent flight of
passion. Allowable, in other words.
Your purpose was to share important personal experience, so close to most mothers'
hearts by universalizing it into more. Indeed you did and very well.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-07-10 21:21:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
WOW.....powerful piece Mary, a road a mother and father would rather not have to take .......With so many children and adults too falling prey to the horrors of drugs running rampant in this age; the dangers, the lies, the stealing, fear must be top on someone's list as well............we all count our blessings during our lifetime, we pray for our children and their safe journey as well....your words are so true, so filled with emotions, images and the fear of losing the one you love.........I hope and pray your situation is better, that your son will find peace within himself and thus come to know he is worth fighting for.
Thanks for posting, hopefully someone in need of reading this will find it. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-07-09 09:33:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
How sad and you reach and give us the depth of the despair within. The most impact for me is felt in the following lines:
fury finds an ally in your nature
I fall prey to your pretext
as white-washed words
within churning currents of raw emotion
How easy for our love of our children we turn the other way not realizing by doing so we just play the part of how they intended it to be. How convincing they are, yet they are not, for we do not want to believe that they could do the contrary.
Thank you for sharing such a poem of depth. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2007-07-08 21:31:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
oh Mary this poem weighs down so heavy just to read let alone to live the experiece of it. Such a descriptive write and you hit it dead on. I have had experiences with troubled youth and know what this is saying. "In contradiction
you exist " this is so true, "I fall prey to your pretext
as white-washed words
and pale promises
adroitly pilfer my happiness
... methodically
one heartache at a time
a surreptitious strategy
to sodomize my soul" My friends son was caught up in the drug scene and the lies and stragities that he used to self serve through the abuse he showed her was terrible. The line "a surreptitious strategy
to sodomize my soul" is so powerful and perfect to discribe this."my love for you has turned against me
within churning currents of raw emotion
- feathers in a storm -
it’s suddenly sucked away" the feeling of having all the power taken away, and all the love as you said used againt you...this poem just pulls at the reader the further you go down your lines. and the ending 2 lines say it all with profound truth.."....stars you once hung in my eyes
have turned to heavy rain " I am so sorry that you and your son have to go through this . The poem is so full of powerful emotion and raw pain and in that sense you have done what you set out to do, to move the reader into your reality for just the time it takes to take this in...but it is so sad to think that you are living it. Nancy
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