This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-07-08 17:32:03 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Crystal Glass With airs of misty morn come songs so still,
ray’s gleams of leaping light push piles of white
while clinging calm pervades the verdant hill
and breaking slow the lavish sun spills light.
Outlandish grace begets a lake of swans,
adorns the trees whose song is breeze’s voice;
beguiles, enchants and sways while day is wan
as clustered blooms reside in heaven’s choice.
A lovely scene all notions now desert,
with muted pen, the words defy, resist.
The muse of rhyming poets fails and skirts,
a need to make both verse and scene persist
and speak of swans with dignity and flair,
afloat on crystal glass as love we share.
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Copyright © July 2007 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
I wrote this sonnet after viewing a lovely picture of swans on a clear lake, flowers, trees and shafts of light.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-08-04 18:21:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, this is a sweet piece. I believe it is the purest piece of beauty and esthetics that I have ever read of yours. It is like looking into Eden from the world outside.
You rhyme scheme works well for the form but also accentuates your theme. Your use of “airs†is a fine dualism to begin the piece; one of refreshing air/breath and one of the “airs†that beauty herself produces.
I am not sure you met it but the pun image of “outlandish†(out; away from, land, “ishâ€; sort of ; gone away from the land; on water) actually sets the scene of the swans on a lake.
I like your choice of “enchants†and “clustered†both play off of each other in consecutive lines- the mysterious and the obvious, together.
Your last line hits us with a weakness, that often happens when you try and rhyme and set a syllable count, consider the following:
“with love afloat on crystal glass we share.†Something in that vein. It eliminates the difficult “as love we share†and keeps that meaning.
Very refreshing read Marilyn.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-07-23 17:18:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Beautifully written indeed; the images created just light up one's life. My mom used to love to sit on her front porch and watch the 'diamonds' dance across the lake........indeed they did dance. Thanks for posting such a lovely piece. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-07-18 18:30:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
I understand the need to show your lovely view and what it ment to you, in words
equal to what you saw. Sharing your soul with another.
This is indeed the beauty you describe in this work.
It 'is' almost impossible s nature is king!
I think this is a lovely effort to that end.
And the love shines through it all!
Nice!
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-07-09 09:40:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
Job well done for pictures represent so much more than just a scene like you show in this sonnet. 'Misty morn', like those words, 'clustered blooms', 'crystal glass' are all phases that capture this reader. The only flag that was raised for me was songs so still only because I have never heard a song that is still, slow based but never still. Just a thought.
Thanks for sharing a picture of life with us. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2007-07-08 20:57:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is a joy to me soul..I love the sonnet form so much because it has that formal flow to it, and is so so beautiful when read outloud. I think it is the constant "l" sounds that seem to sing that makes this so uplifting and light, and the descriptive lines are vivid because of your use of the senses of sight and smell and sound. I do not agree with your claims in stanza 3..your muse did not fail or skirt to do justice to this scene..it is music to me..and your couplet at the end works so well as it ends the piece with connection of the swans/love with dignity and flair..bravo!! I so enjoyed this!! nancy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-07-08 18:20:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
What a delightful beautifully written sonnet. Oh how I'd like to be able to do as you've done, perhaps someday. This is a write one can luxuriate in, such awesome pictures you've created and the flow is so smooth as to glide peacefully on one's mind and tongue. Of all though; "and speak of swans with dignity and flair, afloat on crystal glass as love we share" keeps reverberating in the mind, so lyrical and so perfect a finish. Kudos
Best always,
Lora
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