This Poem was Submitted By: Paul H. Roefs On Date: 2007-07-24 21:40:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Morning Wind

Winds wind down a withering walkway Leaves aloft in a leasurely flight Swirling in the sky's raptured cadence Dancing in a distinctive daily delight Caressing breezes style my hair Smiling surprises taunt and tease I look for my love in the morning mist We'll dance to these delightful winds Floating, touching, then wisping past Crytalline mist cast a morning haze Yesterdays paper in lofty flight News awakened a mind's espying gaze Whirling wind weight into my heart Frolics in fantasy to free my mind We left no footprints on the morning dew A persuasive passions by the morning wind

Copyright © July 2007 Paul H. Roefs

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-08-07 07:42:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Paul, the poem is lovely with but one exception in the last line. It declines very poorly with the one before it for to apprehend the last you must attach some conjunction between the two. Otherwise there is little meaning, if any. "A persuasive passion(s)? by the morning wind" will not stand on its own for meaning but draws hints of suggestion when conjuncted by And or by some contrast to the line above it. Were it a signal to illuded meaning, we'd need more clue and the syntax would have to be more perfect. "A" does not agree with the plural "passions" and "by", "the morning wind" wind is too tepid and reflects poorly on the superior quality of the rest of the poem. It's as if you were running out of steam towards the end. You may have added license when you avoid punctuation altogether but you are also under an additional requirement to show you can do so without laboring the read. You don't achieve that in the line, "Whirling wind weight into my heart". If this is either a simile or stark parallel, it isn't clear without a comma. Fix these two flaws and you have quite a lovely and successful poem. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2007-08-04 23:39:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Paul, A windy day indeed ! I like the 'w' sounds in this. The alliteration helps enhance the piece. I see a free spirit liberating itseld in a world of love, breaking through the mist, unfurling with the wind, to reveal a heart's desire. i like your evident attention to creating imagery and choice of words. Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-08-03 09:10:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Paul, I love how you describe the morning wind and the detail within. You take a moment of time and embelish it with a mood well presented. I like the structure and the words selected. Well done, enjoyed this. Thanks, Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-08-02 07:28:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78261
Beautiful read poet...well presented as your words flow from one feeling and image to another. Whirling wind weight into my heart Frolics in fantasy to free my mind We left no footprints on the morning dew A persuasive passions by the morning wind Actually there is nothing to add or change as you have said it all. like the thought of frolics in fantasy to free my mind....we left no footprints on the morning dew.......thanks for posting and sharing. Should make the list for the month....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-07-31 22:31:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Paul, Let me first say that the clinging consonants make a poetic matter, no matter the for you chose. The smoothness is like a marching army to a flotilla of butterflies. The alliteration is a telling trait. I do have some observations: Your meter throughout is mostly 1-2 1-2 1-2 1-2, or a form of Iambic pentameter and often invert the stresses in the foot. 1-2-3- (4). S1 L4 you change the stressing from your verse and lose its power. Were I to write that line I would write it as “Daily dancing in a distinctive delight”. This maintains the meter of your verse. In Stanza 2, it is the only stanza you lose your rhyme. I am not sure whether there was reason for this, or just an editing error. S3 L4 the meter steps out again.. I am not sure how to fix it without a rewrite – probably espying will have to go (I always hate trashing a favorite word of mine) – maybe something along the lines of “As news wakens the mind’s perceptive gaze” (a suggestion only). I thoroughly enjoyed the read. It is nice to read and just be refreshed.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2007-07-28 20:24:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93750
very romantic piece in deed. I like your use of alliteration thoughout. ex..Whirling wind weight into my heart" A suggestion, your first line seems forced somewhat and a bit ackward because of the extended alliteration in it, I think. Perhaps if you just shorten the meter beats might help. Your poem is set up in an uneven rhyme pattern..first verse being a b c b, but then the second no rhyme pattern at all..and you repeat this in the last 2 stanzas..in the last stanza "mind and wind" are close enough to rhyme. I think I would consider following through on one particular scheme to make the piece float and dance as your subject does. I really like the ideas you have presented her Paul, like I said before, very romantic and light as well. you last two lines "We left no footprints on the morning dew A persuasive passions by the morning wind" has a lovely image to it, wondering though, should it be "A pervuasive PASSION...or...PERSUASIVE PASSIONS. there seems to be a "singular, plural" thing going on there.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-07-25 15:33:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi Paul....I love this poem...it is soft, alluring and evocative. You have used a lot of alliteration which gives this entire piece a magical quality. Also your phrasing is wonderful, such as....swirling in the sky's raptured cadence...I wish I had thought of this! Caressing breezes style my hair and crytalline mist cast a morning haze..superb lines. Your last two lines....we left no footprints on the morning dew and a persuasive passions by the morning wind...sum up the poem nicely. You have written this without punctuation and instead have let the line breaks work for you which is very effective. Not all poets can pull this off! A lovely poem....brava! Cheers....Marilyn
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