This Poem was Submitted By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2007-08-07 19:54:54 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Saw You Smile

I saw you smile the other day Which took my breath from me Memories of yesterday And how things used to be Laughter in the moonlight Giggles in the wind Time we took for granted Can never be again Kisses in the morning At the break of day As raindrops softly glistened Apex of the suns way Shadows in the darkness Dancing in the sky Holding hands together Looking eye to eye Tender gentle touches Etched deep within my mind Will stay with me forever Until the end of time Yes, I saw you smile the other day And I had to catch my breath For I still love you baby Even after death

Copyright © August 2007 Rene L Bennett


This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-08-29 09:41:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Rene, I loved the thought behind this piece and the movement that blended into each stanza. Only once did I have a pause and that was in your second stanza where you use 'wind' then 'again' and I did not get the eveness you had brought forth previously in the previous stanza and those that followed where you had the second and forth lines rhyme. Maybe it is just me. Very well written poem with rhyme and thought. Thanks for sharing. Thomas


This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-08-18 16:33:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rene, A twist- of the spiritual being looking in on the living. Till the end the secret remained so. This is a simple piece, easily read. Your meter remained consistent and flawless until “Apex of the suns way”. “Apex” requires a misplaced stress, just to say the word. It therefore throws off the meter of the line, and frankly, has a clouded definition. It is an acceptable word for the line, but I think there is a better word available. Summit to suns way – adds a little alliteration to go with the meaning, and the accent is on the last syllable, so flows into the rest of the line. Anyway, something like that. I know to throw away Apex is hard, I just don’t think it reads well in the line. In you last stanza I believe “Yes” in the first line is unnecessary. I you just repeat “I saw you smile the other day”, there is a recurring strength that you add to the stanza and it also insinuates the “Yes”. Your twist, that of “even after death” is brilliant. If all read this the first time through thinking of a living person watching, now the power of love beyond death, shines through the piece. Very nice write!!
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-08-08 16:18:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Rene....Oh how this poem speaks to me! I lost my husband years ago but I find myself still writing about loss, grief, desire and all those things that remind me of him. You have poetically listed the things you miss the most...laughter, kisses, holding hands, tender touches, and his smile. I felt a lump in my throat as I read these words as I miss those very things and know I will never experience them again. A free verse without any punctuation which works very well here. You have let the line breaks work for you so no need to use punctuation as it has a smooth flow without it. Very well done....hope to read more from your pen soon. Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-08-08 05:23:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Such a beautiful read filled with such love as two hearts have spanned the edge of time and are still united in love.........such a love is hard to find and here you have allowed your words to flow bringing forth time and again of such pure joy......brings forth memories of my mom and dad and how dad passed on before mom; how she remained single for the rest of her life here on earth always saying.........when you have already had the best there is no need to find another. Not sure mom ever saw dad smile after death though for she used to talk about wanting him to come to her in her dreams but he never did.......I know they are together now in God's Heavenly Garden where both are free of pain and still in love......Dad was 54 when he passed on; mom was 92.......your words are a beautiful collection of your life together and the rhyme just keeps flowing......again, thank you for posting and sharing this with us. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-08-07 22:05:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rene, Powerful, powerful, powerful...succinct and poignant. I found myself ensared by the power of your words, the gentle rhyme and cadence and mesmorized at how I could not put down this read. Excellent and captivating even with needing to reach for a tissue at the end. Thank you for the honor of allowing us to read this well penned work. Best always, Lora
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