This Poem was Submitted By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2007-08-11 05:35:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Trapped Feeling trapped within these walls
As I stumble with each fall
I try to hold my head up high
So no-one ever sees me cry
But in my mind I scream with fear
Painting pictures very clear
Please tell me this will go away
For it can't always be this way
I often wonder if it's me
It seems that no-one else can see
Pain which dwells deep in my soul
Holding tight, not letting go
Yet, these scars which I wear
Tell a story I now bare
Scars I know can never heal
Reminding me this is real
Tomorrow is another day
And as I stumble on my way
These voices screaming in my head
Are silent whispers now instead
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Copyright © August 2007 Rene L Bennett
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-09-07 20:36:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Rene,
I feel as though you've been walking through the mine-field I call my brain. Deepest empathies from this corner... such a difficult task to put something such as this into words and in such away that one can understand and relate... It is comforting to know that others feel this way. Thank you for sharing this.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-08-30 09:45:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Rene,
This reader enjoys reading poems about releasing feelings and you have done it well here. As you journey on the path of writing you will find sometimes it becomes harder and harder to show the depth by the consistent rhyming that will take one away from the actual thought. At first I thought this would be the case but as you moved forward the word usage 'this is real', 'another day', screaming in my head', 'now bare' brought me into the depths once again. The area that started we to wonder was the third and fourth, along with the seventh and eighth lines. Enjoyed reading this.
Well done. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-08-18 16:45:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Rene....if those screams are now beginng to whisper that is a good thing and it also means you are on your way to healing after your devastating loss. You have written this in excellent rhyming couplets without using any punctuation, which I think workds quite well here. It moves quickly like you had to write it fast for fear the pain and words would be lost before you could get them down on paper. "Pain which dwells deep in my soul, holding tight, not letting ago"....yes, it is deep inside your soul and always will be but healing comes anyway and in time will over come painful memories. You have written this very well with deep emotion that resides in the written lines and those that are not. Well done....brava.
blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2007-08-14 00:32:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Rene,
Whether this is your experience or of someone else’s, I truly can apply my thoughts and heart with this find piece of poetry. This comes from the heart. Trapped is one of the worst emotions one can feel, yet I know there is hope for freedom. The rhyme is great, and yet it doesn’t take away from the power of this piece. The screaming with fear is totally understandable, yet dealing with the pictures, which seem and are so clear, do fade with time and help.
Oh, if this is you, I have been there. At times I still am. In fact, I just submitted a poem regarding trauma to transformation. It takes so much time, power, internal fortitude, and others who have gone through trauma. I do see pain, being a nurse, when patient’s come in with deep problems that many can’t see. I am and can only be thankful I had to go through a horrible experience to understand what one would know about this entire poem.
Scars may remain to a certain point, no doubt, but the pain deep within the soul can come up and be healed. No, not an easy way, but it can happen. Scars are something I am not dealing with and yet I can now see them and know they are from the past and I had nothing to do with this, nothing to be ashamed of, because they weren’t of my doing. Life throws many blows but I believe we, with the help of God, can overcome, to help others. One will heal if they can head in the right direction. Yes, we stumble at times, but we stumble less and less as time and work goes by.
My very best to you and I am there for you or whomever this is attributed to.
Debbie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-08-12 10:22:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Interesting read poet........Trapped....good title ........brings forth many avenues one may travel as they read on.......pain, deep, hidden within from anyone's view......how sad not to have someone to share this pain and sorrow with.......hopefully the words created with the flare of your pen will ease some of your pain and help others with the same feelings trapped within. You are a strong person to have endured so much in such a short span of time and I am sure you will continue to find the peace within your soul that you are searching for. Thanks for posting and sharing with us, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-08-12 06:02:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Although, Rene, you turn well rhymed lines and have an interesting
flair for doing so, this poem, in today's world, is virtually a
poster poem for those in depression or having bi-polar disorder.
In that respect, line-to-line rhyme may not be the best choice.
I wouldn't think one would want the dah-ta-dah repetition to
something that really entails another's hell.
I am aware it has been done in the past, by poets of renown, but today
we have more choices. This poem could be so much more powerful (and its
theme cries out for it) in free verse or, at least, a more subtle rhyme
scheme. Internal rhyme and illiteration would do wonders.
One wants the reader to feel this, not be caught up, perhaps even more
so, in rhythem and rhyme.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-08-11 22:07:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rene',
I'm wondering why you ared so miserable and screaming?
Life is tough, it's never what you imagined it to be.
As younggirls we were taught, meet your price charming, live happily after.
Right!......so wrong.
We marry too young, too imature, for all the wrong reasons.
But if your alive it is not too late to paint another picture.
We all fumble, stumble and fall on our faces, join the human race.
Paint something for you to share your beauty.
Dellena
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