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JOHN IS His loud, raucous laughter, is an echoing engulfment, of all those around him, surrounding them, with rowdy guffaws. The same tainted guffaws of a mad scientist, or some sociopathic short guy, intent on ruling the world. When letting loose of these cackling cachinnations, his lady killers’ squint, only in their far corners, enhancing imagined evilness, so Vincent Pricey- but hey, John is an actor. His laughter is infectious even to the lowest feeling, hear it a quadrillion times and it will be the same contagion, as your first exposure. Heart-piercing and seductive. No matter the hilarities’ source, it’s always a wall breaker. Never, is he above using his chestnut colored, mesmerizing marbles, to hide behind, bits of himself, pieces here and there, carefully camouflaged with many wild proclamations and warnings of danger, just to keep the riff-raff at bay. Loud boasts, warning of a selfish, self-centered, egoist, proclaiming every move, to be a self-serving one, cannot obstruct the view of the true John, from those lucky few who know, what this bold deceiver hides, from public view. John’s a very good actor, man. Forty some years ago, I prayed for a brother. It wasn’t until I heard his laughter, that my prayer was answered. Until we see and accept the Creator’s deeds and miracles will only be done in his time, his way, (never ours!) will we ever see his endless blessings, that have always surrounded us. Once I accepted this simple fact, I can easily look through a lifetime of pain and see his many blessings, knowing, I have found my true brother, lighting my shadows and lightening my load. But hey man-John casts light. With no brother, I was losing sanity and letting reality slip away from my grasp. His impeccable timing stopped my slide into darkness, handing me a dream instead. A secret savior to some of us, don’t tell him, for the only thing he hates worse than the many unending thank-yous, are accolades of generosity, we must all keep that gratitude, under our hats. Of course his endless love and unending giving are products of a union. A marriage of him, to his half-self, his soul-mate, a match, truly made in heaven, the perfect fit, that is Deb- but hey, that’s another poem… |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-01-07 10:20:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark,
"John Is" a very good poem, at least the part i've cut it to below. You change your tack in the concluding stanzas. You go from a vivid portrait of a very intriguing personality - or maybe the personality only becomes intriguing through the prism of your imagination, no matter - to some moralizing and didacticism which ruins the poem.
Do you want to make a point or a powerful work of art? Points are made endlessly in newpapers, on cell phones, tv, in conversation - everyone has a "point" to make. Powerful works of art are rare. I'd like to see you add some more of those to the world, and forget about making "points" in poetry. The "points" will necessarily emerge from the depths of your imagination and heart, without the didacticism or overt statement, which just impairs the aesthetic impact.
I print below my excised version of your poem, which almost stands alone without any change. You need to just tighten up the ending a bit.
His loud, raucous laughter, is an echoing engulfment,
of all those around him, surrounding them,
with rowdy guffaws. The same tainted guffaws
of a mad scientist, or some sociopathic short guy,
intent on ruling the world.
When letting loose of these cackling cachinnations,
his lady killers’ squint, only in their far corners,
enhancing imagined evilness, so Vincent Pricey-
but hey, John is an actor.
His laughter is infectious even to the lowest feeling,
hear it a quadrillion times and it will be the same contagion,
as your first exposure. Heart-piercing and seductive.
No matter the hilarities’ source, it’s always a wall breaker.
Never, is he above using his chestnut colored, mesmerizing marbles,
to hide behind, bits of himself, pieces here and there,
carefully camouflaged with many wild proclamations
and warnings of danger, just to keep the riff-raff at bay.
Loud boasts, warning of a selfish, self-centered, egoist,
proclaiming every move, to be a self-serving one,
cannot obstruct the view of the true John,
from those lucky few who know, what this bold deceiver hides,
from public view. John’s a very good actor, man.
Forty some years ago, I prayed for a brother.
It wasn’t until I heard his laughter, that my prayer was answered.
MSS