This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2008-01-23 10:32:13 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Within a Moment...
I heard your voice
just now
on the chilled wavering wind-song
of autumn
as trees weep their leaves
to lay amidst mountain’s crumbling bones
along the water’s deckled edge
you spoke
words lapping gently
against the icy mantle
of a dormant heart, then
tides stole my tears
fear swept away
on the cool night currents
of yearning
your body spoke to me in rhythm
while moonlight walked
across the ocean’s silver skin
and frothy fingers tantalized my shore
at that moment;
in the deep water of your eyes
I saw everywhere I’d been
as my mouth pushed out its breath
and I submerged
drifting into dreamy depths
until stars finish their stroll
across the heavens, and
nearing dawn bears away the small hours
sunlight slowly seducing the sky
I felt your touch
just now
pressed upon butterfly wings
afloat
on morning mists
besprent with light, and
stained-glass reflections
of your smile
paint summer
in my soul
~ |
|
Copyright © January 2008 Mary J Coffman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-01-31 08:10:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Beautifully written as your words flow so do the emotions, images, and beauty of it all.....perhaps a most difficult piece to write yet so uplifting to the reader.......to capture it all like you did is wonderful. Thanks for posting, spring, summer, fall or winter seasons they are always within our hearts to stay.......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2008-01-28 23:56:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Mary,
What a marvelous, intriguing, and tantalizing poem! I could barely catch my breath as I read it over and over. I was so deeply touched by the nature that bears the soul from the depths of this time of love. You were able to bring out the passion in the essence of expressions with each stanza. Drawing out each line separated by a short “shape†brings this reader to only hope to find the next. This is wonderful and it touched my very soul. Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece!
My very best, Debbie
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-01-28 17:34:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Hi Mary.....this poem is so beautiful that it is almost heart wrenching. It is extremely difficult to write a poem about love as it has all been said before in one way or the other. What you have accomplished here is fresh and new. You found a way of saying what all those poems before, have said but with new words and phrases that are delicious. You have created some wonderful images with your pen. This piece will stand the test of time and it is one I will read again and again.....brava!
Blessings....marilyn
p.s. I hope you are feeling better...let me know.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-01-26 22:13:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, you have a preponderantly beautiful way with poetic language.
Turning phrases is one thing, but to blend so beautifully this into
flowing imagery is extremely rare. And you do it over and over again.
I've always been impressed with the lovely sensuality of virtually
everything you've submitted, but these other gifts are by far more
impressive.
Such a poem as this makes me want to critique a bunch more just to
have the clout to make my votes for this one count. Clearly this one
is my favorite of any over the last months.
The ending lines, "paint summer/in my soul" ultimately suit the tone
with elegance.
Assonance and illiteration in the lines of, "...chilled wavering wind
song", "as trees weep their leaves", "sunlight slowly seducing the sky"
are wonderful highlights to this superb poem.
Thought provoking lines like, "nearing dawn bears away the small hours"
slightly removed from the tone of the rest of the poem, still add
depth.
It is successful in every way and a joy to read.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-01-26 00:32:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Mary Coffman,
This is perfectly lovely.
It rang clean, clear, and sweetly.
In my humble estimation.
Sensual, sexual but not overdone.
Tides stole my tears
fear swept away
on the cool night currents
of yearning
your body spoke to me in rhythm
while moonlight walked
It was relate-able too.
I enjoyed this, experienced this fully......
Very good job!
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-01-25 11:48:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
This is delicious in all ways although it lends a sadness, something close to resolve as when one watches a candle dwindle down to it's last flicker. Not a swan song, more as a transition and the rememberance of this visit, something to carry with until the next time.
I've racked my brain to find a favorite line but alas I can not, by now you know that I am a fan and your tight wrapped present does not allow for anything to be seperated out without corrupting the overall gift.
You always send my mind to the canvas, to splash color and whispers of dreams, nuiances of mists and things that have been and yet still are if only different.
Thank you for sharing this remarkable write and keep them coming... You are starting a collection I hope...
Best always,
Lora
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