This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2008-02-08 10:57:56 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Storm Damage
hope
rains from my eyes
to shed in fallow furrows
of long-dead dreams
once flowered
in fields of expectation
cold callous clouds
[ashes of defeat]
molest my sky
my lips
weep whispers
of long-gone daysprings;
tart tastes
of summer’s smile
waste away
I am left
broken battered
treading mud
in a puddle cut deep
into the cold clench of truth
silently seeping
into submission, while
the gray birch drops
its worthless seeds
of optimism
to daub barren ground
and
icy winds of wisdom
winter my heart
~ |
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Copyright © February 2008 Mary J Coffman
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-02-29 16:11:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Hi Mary....Now this poem is ala Mary from beginning to end. It is just lovely and your word choices are excellent. Soft and beautiful.
hope
rains from my eyes....................eye catching lines...innovative
to shed in fallow furrows
of long-dead dreams
once flowered
in fields of expectation................I love this strophe. You linked these words together with skill
and artistry that few poets ever attaine....bravo
cold callous clouds
[ashes of defeat]
molest my sky................perfect image of a cloudy and threatening sky
my lips
weep whispers....................oh how I love these two lines...lips weep whispers...wonderful!
of long-gone daysprings;
tart tastes
of summer’s smile
waste away
I am left
broken battered
treading mud
in a puddle cut deep
into the cold clench of truth
silently seeping
into submission, while..................so much melancholy in these lines...brings a lump to my throat
the gray birch drops
its worthless seeds
of optimism
to daub barren ground.................speaks of despair...excellent discription
and
icy winds of wisdom
winter my heart
The closing lines make this piece especially memorable. Why in the heck didn't I write this? (grin)
I love this part of Mary the poet!
I do hope you are getting better...it has been a long haul for you hasn't it? Feel better...okay?
Blessings....marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-02-25 08:55:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Storm Damage, good title and most fitting for this one......sadness from the start, emotion spent which are allowing images to be created thus adding to the read. You take each season it seems and carry it along for this deep sadness seems everlasting. Thank you for posting, sharing your work. Look forward to more.....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-02-24 21:29:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
I'd say you got sadness down pretty good!
As happy as one is, is also as sad as you can be in direct opposition.
So it is no surprise at the depth of this piece.
I think it is very good.
It caught and kept my attention.
The seed on barren ground is good.
Truth is good but it can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-02-11 21:50:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Mary,
This is so dolefull, sad and yes unfortunately part of life. You've aptly documented the storm and it's tailings with you well penned poem. This is a different stride for you, although I did enjoy the read. You've left thoughts hanging around in this empty head, the visions left are not easy ones to shake off.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-02-11 08:53:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
"icy winds of wisdom", not a resplendent attribute, but commentary on today's
world. One might look on this poem too slightly to see it is much more than
dictated by mood or whim. That it is broaching a condition of man rather than a
view of him. And that it is in acknowledging "damage" we are most primed to
penetration.
The change of scene has not daunted, I observe, your ability with imagery and
the absolutely unified context you can deliver, Mary. "cold clench of truth" and
"treading mud" are powerful, while, again, your talent for assonance and illiteraton
abound in, "fallow furrows", "cold callous clouds", "weep whispers", "tart tastes",
"silently seeping/into submission", and "...winds of wisdom winter...".
Delighted.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-02-08 13:29:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
I've spent the last few minutes going over my list of 370 or so viewable "critiques" here. Only two critiques of your work. The first was honest and somewhat brutal. The last, honest but not brutal, and even complementary in many ways, I print below:
***************************************************
Mary,
Love that last line: "on the wilton black carpet of sleep." But lines 2 through 4 - you're better than that. Come on. From what I've read of your other work, you have vast potential. You need to be harder on yourself, and avoid the sloppiness that can produce lines 2 through 4. Take it from a lazy bastard, who can preach better than he can do - though that hardly recommends me.
At last I know I'm a lazy bastard. And a sinner. And . . . that's half the game. The other half is amending. Let's get to work.
Mark
*********************************************************
Anyway, any poem you post this month will be critiqued by me, and I promise to be honest with you. This place has become a small circle of people sitting on their hands, with every now and then someone, like Terry last month - though Lora, Marilyn and Claire faithfully - wandering out into the middle of the circle with - gasp - their hands free, and their feet under them. Well, here I go into the breach . . .
Not much has changed since my last critique, but some has. You have a tendency in your writing to latch onto the pedantic word, and often produce the odd effect of someone writing from directly from the heart with emotion as the driving force of the poem nonetheless filling it with suddenly stuffy or odd rhetorical flourishes that, well, produce a very strange, alien type of effect. You've toned that down here, which is the "some change" I referred to. Good. Of course, sometimes that odd effect can work, as that wonderful "wilton" in the line I praised in my critique. But that's dangerous territory you seem to wade into, without the armament (seems to me) to deal with the beasts you sometimes encounter.
But that "wilton" reminds me of the other side, the positive side of your work. You also exhibit the sudden flash of a brilliant verbal construct that only a real poet is capable of. As I said, you have potential, huge potential. Watch out for that dangerous territory of which I spoke, and try avoiding slips into Cliche land and the Hallmarkian. The sky's the limit for you. That's a special, and privileged place to be in. Congratulations. I've an eye on you.
And, in both of those prior critiques, you were gracious in you reply and took them for the benefit I (believe it or not) intended. Thank you.
Let's try something different. I'm not aware of you critiquing any of my poems. Why don't you give it a try. Even if it''s to say, like I told Gordon, you find me insufferable. :) Then will make the next time easier, and the next time more easy. And before you know it. maybe we'll all be critiquing each other again, like in the old days.
Mark
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