This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-02-16 16:10:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Enchantment The amber leaves revolve then drop and sigh
as trees undress their arms of summer gowns.
Their leafy pirouette delights the sky
but broken moon above resides in frowns.
The rocking trees will sway in heaven’s night,
to keep the forest’s waltz in step and rhyme.
A canopy holds earth in crowns of light,
and lovers sob despite the stars and chime.
The wind will swallow voice and pine for rains
to pulse and sew it’s fringe upon the eaves.
The branches bare will drum on vacant panes
and sing angelic tones if sorrow grieves.
The leafless willows weep with worried brow
the widow wipes the tears away for now.
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Copyright © February 2008 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-02-23 18:19:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lovely read and wonderful title for this poem my friend....your words never fail to bring forth many wonderful images and emotions....I could actually see this beautiful tree undressing leaf by leaf until the wind came and took her skirt away........Finding the world around us so beautiful and listening to all the sounds it creates especially deep in the night when the moon shines bright and the animals are content one stills the deep loss of the season, of the person who was once with us in life and now in death and it is so easy to see the willows weep and the widow wipping those tears away, just for now..... Super job, thanks for posting, be safe in your ventures through the woods......Spring should be right around the corner, at least we pray it is.....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-02-19 16:27:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
I'll tell you my first immediate reaction to this: it doesn't work the way your winner last month worked; it's a bit overwritten, as if you're trying too hard to be poetic . . . Those were the predominant thoughts were I first read this days ago. I've since looked at your winner from last month, to see where the "problem" is.
Love Tide
Beyond dawn's waking form some storm doth break
and sink my love for you, my soul. Like gongs
all nights engulf me now, all lights forsake,
and only voiceless birds may trill their songs.
What reach will sail me to your side again?
I seek you under melancholy suns.
When land-becalmed, I drift and drift in vain
and sing your rune till all creation runs.
Before the crimson rays of days be done
before my mourning winds denude all trees
before a storm unfurls across the sun
my soul will flow again into your seas.
No, nothing I embrace in fantasy
will stay my lifelong voyage unto thee.
This sonnet has less elaborate device in it, and is in some ways a better poem NOW - from where you are as a poet. But the elaboration of this one shows you're striving for some more complexity and is thus a positive step forward for you as a poet. This poem is a sign of growth and evidence of your potential reach and reaching. The poem is thus a joy to see from you.
I don't want to imply that there isn't some nice metaphor here, and some lines where you handle the meter well - there are. I just get the sense that this is a transition piece for you, a step toward better things. The poem does come off better on more readings, too. In fact, my initial impression, a favoring of the other sonnet, is somewhat reversed - I'm actually seeing this one a bit better than the other because of its ambition, and you actually lessen the worth of the your prior poem in my mind by the progress you exhibit in this one.
You're obviously serious about this and diligently working at it. What a breath of fresh air after my last couple of critiques.
So . . . overall this poem abounds in positive signals.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-02-18 08:44:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
This is such a fine write, delicious in all aspects, from verbiage, form to meter and the wonderful visions it leaves dances in the head. Not one nit have I, brava!
Best,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-02-17 00:07:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
This is really nice!
I love the waltzing forest! Personifying nature singing, sighing, grieving, fowning, sighing,
it gives off the affect of real emotion, and great concern.
And comparing the widow's tears to the weeping willow is a great metaphor.
I love your imagery.
It sells your message of love and loss, all inclusive of life.
Wonderful!
Dellena
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