This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2008-03-26 10:12:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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World Gone Wrong The changing episodes
in the turnstile of life
Which comes and goes
through days and nights
A found penny is joy
but a loss not the same
Souls lost to the strangled
purpose of life's unfair game.
The colors obscured to the moods we endure
A hole in the place we seek to find pure
In all of the years that have past in time
These seem the worst without reason or rhyme.
Backwards, not forward life seems to spin
Not enough backbone for any to win;
I could dream of a cottage
with florals and wine
a place I could go to
to live in divine.
But the dirt piles high
and creeps stay up all night
to cover the sacred with more unpleasant plight.
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Copyright © March 2008 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-04-02 19:58:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
This is a bit abstract for me..somewhat bordering between prose and poetic prose..I think I've been up at the computer to long to give you a fair evaluation so I'll just say that I liked it and apologize for not giving you more to go on.
TC
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-03-28 19:23:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari,
You are right, life has some pretty low times in recent years.
The people at the helm [government] are literally killing us and we barely whimper.
We must ban together and come to the realization soon or it will be all over before we know it.
Our government wants us safe poo! They want less people, complete control, and ll the money.
I am sorry for the suffering but we just ignore the problems.
Good poem even though it's tough.
Things can change, it's up to us.
Take care........
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-03-27 10:02:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The power of truth is on your side and this lends this poem vastly
more grandeur than would more attention to form and construct.
But that would not hurt, would you be a little more disposed
to craftsmanship...yet I am one to talk!
You're obviously full of the gifts image-making can offer and
your instincts, like those of Dellena, are superb.
In the line, "In all of the years that have past in time" "past"
should be changed to the verb, passed.
Consider, as well, changing, "to live in divine" to simply, live divine,
in order to seem less contrived.
Expend just a little more effort, the substance and richness of your poem
deserve it.
JCH
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