This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2008-04-10 00:01:10 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Tuesday I winced as the warm wet glass slipped from my hands.
The sink did not seem to mind,
Almost welcoming the shards into her bosom.
I wondered if his thoughts could see me now
Defeated, desperate to find purpose in the most minute
And mundane of tasks.
A renegade tear finds refuge in the drain
And for a moment my mind rests. |
|
Copyright © April 2008 Audrey R Donegan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-05-03 18:31:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Audrey,
Hi! I'm having a bit of trouble......... how can a glass fall into the sink and then get shards into your bosom?
They bounced up? You are very short......or what?
I like the idea of heartache.......
I feel a person is still of value even if their relationship fails.
The poem is good but I guess I'm gettig old.
good luck
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcus J On Date: 2008-04-10 13:51:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Sort of reminds me of Bowie’s “Love You Till Tuesday.†Audrey, I love the first line of your poem - I’m especially fond of the alliteration. I must confess having a little difficulty picturing a sink with bosoms, but then I’m not privy to the inspiration. “Shards†plays well with “defeated.†I’m not sure if the rest of the line, however, is complete – perhaps a typo or missing word?
The first line is well executed, and the context is easy to grasp. I’m eager to hear a response in regards to line 5. I look forward to your rewrite and reading more of your work.
Mark M
This Poem was Critiqued By: Kenneth R. Patton On Date: 2008-04-10 11:09:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Audrey, the pain of love lost is unlike any other
and you have touched anyone who has been there.
I know the desperate need to just rest the mind,
even for a moment. I can feel how it was too
much to even concentrate enough to hold a glass.
Thanks for having the courage to share this.
KenP
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-04-10 09:55:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 6.00000
Audrey, although I did not regard your first two poems quite nearly so highly,
this one I like very much. Arresting time it catches its reader in the moment,
one we have all shared when we must cope with intensity while employed in the
mundane. The addition of the broken glass and the elegant sublimation, "...welcoming the
shards into her bosom" is inspired.
Intended or not the parallelism obtained where the mind of your reader is given an
intellectual inflection of a tear following (instead of blood, perhaps from the cut
of the glass) sustains the highest accomplishment imagery can hope to strike, extension
into visionary impression.
A very successful poem.
JCH
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