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over the moon on the mount looking to the east a white streak fly over a daylight moon while I seek a peace crossed legs am I planes in afternoon heading to you too soon |
Additional Notes:
4 Days and counting until I see my beloved Leila. I was meditating upon 'my rock' where I lay out and also meditate in this mountain range I live in at the top of a canyon seething with water from snowmelt. I can see the planes flying to and from Reno headed to and from the direction of Canada, where she is from. I imagine my own flight there soon enough.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Cassandra E. Gorcsos On Date: 2008-05-29 16:14:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
An interesting read, but the line "crossed legs am I" is written awkwardly. The message is conveyed through the amount of sentiment that the speaker feels for the one for whom he is waiting. You have an intriguing way of applying emotions to your poetry. The only problem, as I said before was that one line. You have an extraordinary depth of emotion, and that propels what would otherwise be a very simple poem to a new height of intricacy.
Cassandra