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60 Flowers filtered bright and clean purity brought in as a guest like a wedding photographer's scene marrying all the 60 faces where I have ever been the goal of life being a lie all that matters I am "poor" like an old wife being tied on to a rock in Gibraltar vacant pride money the only altar an expensive whore God is a John standing beside security a feeling bent comforted all around by 60 thousand dead presidents on the ground disappearing like vapor our prostrations now lacking sound but for a crinkle of paper a heart's sadness at the bow mother earth weeping from every pore ambition into, seeping cut from her bosom now just 60 flowers more |
Additional Notes:
This is an angry poem about a conflict I have had about my financial status as a 40 year old man, and all the "should's" which seem to accompany me around in relationships with intimate partners and family. I wrote as a way to relieve my anger because I felt I couldn't take it anymore. I walk to my own drummer and on my own time. I have gone for many things in life full bore, and those didn't always have financial windfalls associated with them.
Om,
Regis
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2008-08-05 23:13:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Regis,
The liner notes were a give -away....Allow the reader to sense the anger, position it, ponder over it...I was about to begin when my curious eyes hit upon the notes and then it was all LIGHT.
Anyhow, the anger in the piece resonates with a thud and that means you did well in expressing this emotion. I would suggest making the flow a little more uniform (especially the contrasting flow in the beginning as it relates to the overall body of the poem). However, i can see how the flow of emotion might lose its spontaniety if you were to chip and chisel this.
Duane.