This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-09-11 15:20:54 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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I'm Weary I saw you tread
a trembling path
to summon me,
but I was weary
from the wait.
You walked in grass
beside the gate
then beckoned
before I turned to go.
Forest’s edge loomed
over me,
mocking bird
music held my ears.
Take out the thorn
that stabs my core,
teach me Your
path to tranquility.
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Copyright © September 2008 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2008-09-19 20:14:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Oh wow, let's see; First this is one of your best; so fresh and different from your original style.
Not meaning your other pieces were not wonderful - but this is outstanding.
Less imagery, and more thought provoking words with this - just enough imagery to pull it together and give it haunting style; that says the wait is tiring - which brings out the title in a vivid way.
So many emotions come out in this write - meloncholy, enduring strength, passion, hope, trust, pain,
emotional turmoil especialy where you say "Take out the thorn that stabs my core".
Love this one; it's on my list -
Blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-09-13 22:29:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
How deeply you've looked inward, this really put some things into a better perspective for me. We must always be ever watchful and listen for the trumpet, to revel in the grace and love that is given us even when we've become so weary and distracted. This is awesome and much deeper than I"m going into right now, alas--my words get caught in mid-air and I can't quite share them yet... Your gift as a writer appears to be honing itself to cleaner, clearer depths, perhaps beyond even that of what you are aware. Thank you for sharing this with us and forgive this bit of fluff.
hugs,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-09-12 13:05:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
With this more simplistic language you're getting closer to something essential . . . peeling away the merely ornate masks of language. Of course, the trick is not to totally forgo the dress, but make the dress and the person in it merge into one. The positive aspect of this poem is negative, a stripping away of what needed to be stripped.
On the negative side, I think you go a little too far in the way of tossing off the masks of language. A costume party after all DOES require a costume. Every poet is a masker, and must attire. The poem resolves into two lines that are very prosaic, which may befit the resignation or surrender, but it just shows you naked at the party - where a successful presence requires a costume of some sort, a costume that is yours, and a genuine work of art.
You've thrown off the borrowed diction, but haven't yet found your garb.
Yet a step forward is a step forward, and always a success.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-09-12 11:29:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, it is my pleasure to see you break with the purely sensory poem
and its cultural adoption by too many of the poets of today who choose a form
of artistic timidity in the face of a society coming apart at the seams.
Your abilities with poetic language and image-making I've always felt could
serve well the more intense examination of a world at war and where selective
genocide still looms in the face of a media taken over by monoplistic media
czars of the Ted Turner and Rupert Murdoch bent.
Somewhere down the food chain these monsters influence, even impose, notions
of what sells and what won't in EVERY art, every craft.
In this poem is our first real look at Marilyn, not a stylization, not a
pretty frame something pandering notion, circumspects.
You and Lora long ago had your mind made up about me. The difference being,
I've yet to learn the most basics of who are you...really, not the combating
front you feel appropriate to represent, but what you are without "attack
mode", without the whining about how things were. They weren't really that
grand to my impressions, nor that of many that came and went and confided
to me sometimes why.
I think you would be edified, just as me, to finish that one poem whose perfection
is why any dedicated poet continues. In that respect I assure you our directions
merge more than you may wish to believe.
This being the case, Marilyn, the success won't have to be from recognition of
others, just one's self. Tell me if the thorn's still there.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-09-12 09:35:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
once again you have choosen to pen something very calming to the spirit after a journey of searching......
really enjoyed the closing lines and Your path to tranquility. Always a pleasure poet to find your work. God Bless,Claire
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