This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-10-11 16:31:16 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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He Loved the Hunt

In late October’s early dawn damp sticks hiss, flames rage, his rifle barrel and scope poised.      We knew the scent of sage Earth’s faded jade under heavy skies antlers smoothest beige, leaves unfasten from the branch.      We knew the scent of sage Winds scrub aspen’s emerald stole grouse strut mottled plumage, the plains gather taupe and bone.      We knew the scent of sage Quiet pebbles of rain drop on earth’s thirsty visage. Autumn serenity hurries by.      We knew the scent of sage Sun calms the brittle air with rays duck’s wedge in V’s image, tumbleweeds skip and roll.      We knew the scent of sage Echoes fold upon the life I’ve known, footprints seek a passage where simple brooks and prairie meet.      I miss the scent of sage.             and you.

Copyright © October 2008 marilyn terwilleger

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2008-11-07 19:40:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, The vote is about to close and i'm doing a quick sweep to check to ensure i haven't missed anything i would want to have read before voting. This is a very well-written piece with a good glow, verbiage and is rich with images. i can feel from the read that this came from a very sensitive portion of your heart. I did feel that the line 'we knew the scent of sage can be reduced....only to be repeated after every second verse...' Take care, Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-10-17 11:04:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marlyn, I like this more. But the repetition lacks the power of your "She held me in her stare" in your "Mother" poem. It worked there because that iron repetition had the force of your mother's state, and grabbed the reader, holding him like a stare. I could almost feel the stare as I read the lines - staring at the lines about "her stare." This rep has the clunking of a bad strut, somewhat. Or is like you're working out with dumbbells - like me perhaps.:) MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2008-10-16 14:35:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Marilyn – the most alive sense for memory in the brain is scent. It is the largest most active sensory work in the brain. Your descriptions; I can smell and hear, watch and feel the stage as you set the scenery. Mostly, throughout, I can smell the scent of sage. The play on words “sage” is as poignant as the memories and background. In the “WEs” is felt the companionship and accord- this was something that brought a time to begin; and once a year to begin again. A sweetness exists to the end. A critique (or preference if you will) – you line utilizes “Echoes” – which of course you have alluded to and symbolized throughout your verse. I think this line could easily void the word and produce something like “Folded upon the life I’ve known,”. At any rate, it doesn’t detract the meaning nor the ease of reading. Finally when you end, the “We” becomes and “I” as the resolution of the setting. You ending of “and you” is in itself and echo. A descriptive image. A passionate verse.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-10-13 13:54:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, I found this heady with images and smells bringing memories of the hunt to the fore. It was easy to become lost in what you've presented; to live in that moment just for the reading. One small suggestion and it might just be me: I'd make my stanzas 6 lines instead of three and drop a few of the "We knew the scent of sage" lines. While I found that the "scent of sage" lines add texture--with so many of them; for me they began to loose their texture.. As I said perhaps it is just me. Truly an enjoyable and delicious read. Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-10-13 04:33:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.71429
Beautifully penned, words to touch the heart and bring memories to life not only for you but for others too. In early fall the season for hunting begins, and the darkness of night is still rattled by those who have made ready their most treasured rifles, ammo is secure, perhaps a thermos of hot coffee sits on the counter along with a little lunch to hold one over till day is done and hunt complete....oh, I do remember those days well my friend, and I can not only see your memories I join mine with them.......a beautiful read, thank you for posting and for bringing my memories to morning light. God Bless, Claire
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