This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2000-07-02 00:37:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Trapped by walls I can not see Silence ravaged my whole being. There is no eminent threat and yet, This sudden fall from grace No words are there to explain The lack of feeling so intense. Paralyzing every thought Each muscle then betrays and carries me throughout the day. A picture no one else can see; A picture so unknown to me. A brave young woman mature and well together insightful and self-confident, "Knowing what she wants," they say "and so giving of herself." takes on the world and fools them all. Fear has not a place in this woman's visage, for no one realizes  what they see is blind... a picture so unknown to me. What has happened where has she gone? the numbing is consuming Giving space to open up yet shutting down even more An unknown fear; unwillingness? to experience again the pain and sadness of a touch. To trust another seems beyond an illusion to be had as the spiral spins down. With a flush she watches as dinner disappears disbelieving what she did the retreat within begins crumbling piece by little piece striving to gain control yet in the effort giving up losing herself again Comforted by old habits once now disturbed by their intrusion the race continues on. Convinced that everyone can see  each tiny little flaw. Believing her inadequacy discounts any success despite the papers on the wall and words spoken by her friends. The words within the head are heard with so much power still incarcerates an innocent soul longs for freedom, life lived full invisible chains to be broken There is no confidence in this noggin there is no self-esteem Every day it's something else  which I have failed to be Fears abound in every cranny "A fake, a fraud" is what I hear And yet no one ever will Despite its thundering inside my head the mask will not reveal Understanding is too far to grasp This picture no one else can see.

Copyright © July 2000 Mandie J Overocker

Additional Notes:
Perfection is often the elusive goal of those struggling with eating disorders. In an effort to avoid experiencing pain or memories of pain, they focus all their attention on controlling what goes in and out of their body - often times, this is all they feel they can control. Part of healing from an eating disorder is learning how to tone down the tapes that play over and over in the head. Hopefully this piece can shed light to others who can not understand how an individual can become literally chained to the drive for perfection.

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