This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-03-15 05:48:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Scan Eyes spy muddy patches
Mixed through the garden
Of precisely planted florals
Growing above dull ugly ground
Like life, we see the blessed beauty
Above the darkness and it's in the garden
We thrive
Yet that underlying place exists
We try not to see, but reality
Flaunts it's monsterous face into ours
Never fully protected; in what ever suit we wear
Will keep us from not being mixed in
Between the filth of life that drags us down;
To thrive with faith that shifts the universe around
Or allow the bliss; and kisses of natural wonders
Keep us immune from patches of scratched
Stacked up against us
Eyes spy;
Cracks in the walls
Next to a painting our hearts yearn to pull in
The room we reveal ourselves openly drinking life
Down, comfortably sitting above the dull ugly ground
I'd like to erase every damn dark place
But my hands are too small - to fill up the cracks in the walls
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Copyright © March 2009 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-04-02 09:56:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Very thoughtful, I want more indistinctness (which grants the reader to search implied meaningss rather than
direct text,)though. Now this may seem awkward but let me show you something. You can make of [the] garden
something far more expansive, even euphemistic, if you leave off "the".
I want you to search for more serviceable adjectives than "dull, ugly" after the first reference. It's
not a poetic refrain so it seems redundant. You don't want that.
"patches of scratched" is internal rhyme and illiterative both, clearly a triumph. I want more of this.
Once I can see you able to do it, I thus have a right to expect it.
Now get hopping. I want a rewrite. If you need any credits I'll give them to you.
No excuses.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-03-29 20:17:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
I appreciate the deep philosophical leanings that have made themselves apparent in all your pieces. There is always interesting food for thought and this is no exception.
As a suggestion, I would shorten this and allow the reader to do some of the thinking. I would do away with much of verse 3. Infact, your poem could very well end with verse 2 and thereby pack more power. I also suggest sticking with one image, namely, the flower garden and the ugly ground beneath it. Its a strong image to build on. I therefore also suggest doing away with verse 4. The image of the cracks in the wall and the room above the ugly ground was weaker and not something you should end the poem with.
Hope this helps.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2009-03-28 08:12:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.00000
Hi DeniMari. I think we all are in the transition of our Spring cycle and that is a good thing. Life is a struggle for all that exhists on this planet, but we all have that one thing in common in that we fight to surive and in that comes our beauty, as the beauty of the garden. There would be no light if not for dark, happiness if not for sadness etc..for we would have nothing to compare to. We just have to keep on Scanning to find what is the beauty for us. It is there, move a rock or two. (smile)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-03-24 15:48:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Deni,
I hate looking at the sweet mother earth like it's filth. Dragging us down.....
I do understand your emotion and the idea of being buried/hell and dark meaning bad, white as good.
The earth is such a grower of life. flowers, animals, feeding all because of it's soil.
Roots need a place to work their magic.
Just my take......
Dellena
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