This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-04-17 14:05:27 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Scan........(Revised) Eyes spy
Muddy patches
Mixed through the garden
Of precisely planted florals
Growing above unlovely ground
Like life we see blessed beauty beyond darkness
It's in the garden where we thrive
Yet that underlying place exists we render not to see
Cold facts flaunt their monstrous faces into ours
Never secured in what ever suit we wear
Will sustain us from being blended
Between the filth of life that drags us down;
Or thrive with faith that shifts the universe around
Allow the bliss; and kisses of natural wonders
Leave us immune from patches of trouble
Eyes spy
Cracks in the walls near an exquisite painting
We view the picture first for finer things avail
Bank on answers safe and true rather than push to improve
I'd like to erase all dark places
Fix everything that's flawed
But my hands are too small
To restore all the cracks in the walls |
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Copyright © April 2009 DeniMari Z.
Additional Notes:
Repost of last months version - trying to accomplish with the best critiques given on this piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claus Michael Ranswill On Date: 2009-04-30 17:04:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Very interesting and almost voyeuristic for some reason, I don’t know why
Visually artistic and great imagery throughout,
Inspirational too
Things aren’t always what they seem
Write a poem before we scream
About a flower or a tree
Anything can bring some glee
Write about paintings or a garden
Or cracks on walls in your den
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2009-04-27 10:06:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Deni,
I gleamed where you were going with this however it didn't hit me like your poems normally do. I almost felt like it was still a "poem in work" that you were settling rather than trying to tweak it into one of your finer works. Perhaps for this reader; it was just too "in your face", a little disconnected but heck I've done alot of those also... You have some good discriptures; don't want to put a damper on your write but perhaps to go back in and use a few more illits and not worry so much about making sure your point is made more of letting your reader come to a conclusion on their own. OK, I'm sure that was as clear as mud however I did like what you said and agree.
GoD Bless,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-04-26 16:35:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
DeniMari,
I like this version. It is very interesting.
I have a thought for you.......sometimes beauty is learned through experiencing the dark troubled places.
Places that teach you the unknown.
Like appreciation.....places that give life, blood and bones.
These places, although hidden, have so much for one to know.
Everything beautiful is not good.
Seeing our multicolored sunsets beautiful as they are, are colored so by chemicals poured into our sky
purposely to make us sick. chemtrails beautiful but death.
Our world is appearing as good, when actually they are doing bad. We are being mind exploited.
I believe you would fix whats wrong......please yes. We'll call it the 'dark'.
And yes the cracks are humongous. But one soon makes two multiplied by more which make change.
And change must be made.
too many soldiers die, too many are pushed to dru g, too many have no hope, no choice, lets give them our voice.
as you say.........
much better.....poem.
dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-04-21 10:11:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari, your natural way with subtle internal rhyme and illiteration is a quality typical to your
work. I don't like one cumbersome line, "Bank on answers safe and true...rather than push to improve"
Not pushing to improve would have sufficed. Always use adverbial modifiers sparingly.
"Eyes spy/Cracks in the walls (should be wall) near an exquisite painting" are inspired lines.
As with other abstractions this tugs at imagination to picture the implied image of an interesting
juxtapositioning of beauty posed with stark reality.
In the last verse is a well conceived unity of what the rest of the poem is truly about. Perhaps art
indeed begins in the artist as a conception to perfect the flawed. Finding that impossible, the gifted
artist gives us an escape to alternative perception in which we might find significance to interpretation
and the collective joining with the thoughts of others. Diminishing, perhaps, to the darkness of those
"dark places" though not ever "erasing" of them.
Herein we might define art as growth around obstacle rather than any fixer. Just as a poet cannot leap
by explaining.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-04-18 00:48:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
I'm glad to see a revision. I swear by revision and I owe a lot of my progress to the likes of JCH and Mark S who have shown me what does not work apart from what does. I will stick to my earlier crit. This is a powerful piece. I also still feel that the piece should end with your thrid verse. The image of cracks in the walls moves away from the garden patch and sort of dilutes the power.
Duane.
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