This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-06-11 02:19:11 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Sub T' Abuse Lucipher sells His poison for fatal propositions.
Languid gems fetch arsenic as childish imps
grab into the bag of life
amazed with dirty drugs to keep them dazed
Subdued without a clue
lips not lucid mind unglued
The key to getting out of reality
sports inhumane behavior
Yet the tree to wrap thoughts around
tries to bear fruit less trouble-free
Filthy beds they lay in at night
with a high to gratify thinking it’s right
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Copyright © June 2009 DeniMari Z.
Additional Notes:
More & more of todays youth upward to over 30 can not get by one day of life sober; addictions are running rampant and the death tolls are rising. I just wonder why so many can not live without the addictions to narcotics whether they come from the corners of the streets; or right out of prescription bottle. It's all about drugs - which one can they take next to get through another day of life. It's so depressing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-06-21 23:05:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
I get a sense of genuine concern and anger from this hard hitting piece. You liken drugs to the gifts of the devil (very true) and chide the childish imps for even caring to search through the bags which house them. I also feel, in addition to your thoughts that there must be a social upheavel (not sure i spelt this right) to reverse or drastically change the order we have become as a race. Someone puts the drugs there for kids to use, someone fails to teach them values (school systems), someone fails to listen to them when they need to be listened too. There are so many contributing factors and behind the lives of these drug addicts one will always find a dark background of turmoil, rejection, low self esteem. We are all in it together...we owe it to society and to our race.
Techinically, you might want to look at form and structure a little closely as I felt that the rhyme scheme could be more consistent. I feel smoothening out the structure would make this piece more effective.
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-06-17 21:09:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni,
Our government supplies drugs to the whole.
During woodstock they dropped lsd from planes on concert goers.
A lot of the now 'eite' made their fortunes during the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opium_war
america, britain...made lots of money. Our politicians still clean up.
They don't want dope to stop. http://www.serendipity.li/cia.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CIA_and_Contra%27s_cocaine_trafficking_in_the_US
SONNY Bono, former husband and singing partner of superstar Cher, was clubbed to death by hitmen on the orders of drug and weapons dealers who feared he was going to expose them, a former FBI agent claims.
Ted Gunderson, now a private investigator, has told the US Globe tabloid that Bono, who served as mayor of Palm Springs for four years, did not die after hitting a tree on a Nevada ski slope in January 1998 as everyone believed.
"It's nonsense for anyone to now try to suggest that Bono died after crashing into a tree. There's zero evidence in this autopsy report... to show such an accident happened. Instead, there's powerful proof he was assassinated.
"This was an evil plot that was carried out to almost perfection by ruthless assassins," Mr Gunderson told the paper.
The former agent, who has been researching Bono's accident for the past decade, said top officials linked to an international drug and weapons ring feared the singer-turned-politician was about to expose their crimes - so they had him killed on the slopes.
..................................
So we as simple people are sunk. no chance to change. Unless maybe drugs get legalized.
We are in a mess, where only the strong will survive. And they work at weakening everyone.
Fake food/chemicals, pesticide, medication, war, chem trails....etc.
Good job of capturing attention. Heartfelt. Junkies steal, are dirty, lazy and don't have grit enough to quit. so sad.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2009-06-14 08:33:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
High points from the standpoint of form: the alliteration in the first line. Superb construction in "the tree to wrap thoughts around / tries to bear fruit less trouble-free." Great use of allusion there to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This subject, drugs, makes that allusion spot on and just wonderful.
Just lots of rich texturing going on here: e.g., the assonance in "lucid" and "unglued."
On the level of intangible, something missing for me to put this poem over the top. Not sure what that is, or I'd describe it to you.
MSS
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