This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-08-21 21:03:54 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Jester of Life What bounty in life
Exists in falling through wet forests?
Creature curious of indigo blue pacify
faint-hearted bonds,
Watchful auras planting babies of ideas
through peaceful nights
never mature
between eye blinking
moments in dawn.
Cursed clouds form with a murmur
of prayer heard,
or perhaps not.
Intend spoiling laughter with running after
another forest to fall into.
|
|
Copyright © August 2009 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-09-08 09:22:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Your poetic vision is shown, along with a native ability for poetic language.
When we replace connection with imagery, demands are made on selectivity and that's
your strong suit. This poem requires but one change and that's in your last two lines.
Otherwise I would have voted it quite high.
You have now, over Dellena, become the most improved poet on TPL.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-09-02 23:07:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
I've been carefuly noticing how your imagery is growing stronger in terms of originality and intensity. Nothing impresses me more than a poem with original and strong imagery that is also simple. You are getting sharper in this area --- planting babies of ideas...creature curious of indigo...very nice.
I know I've said this before and it may be my personal preference of style, but I would really like you to try using the same flair for imagery in a metrical piece...give it a try.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2009-09-01 12:33:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
Permit me to ramble a bit about critiquing here. Wherein lies the value of a critique? I've never found it to be in line by line exegesis or commentary. When someone whose voice I respect tells me "this works," or "this doesn't," in those general terms, that's the best type of critique for me. Because that gives me something, a poem of mine, which came from inside me, and returns me to that same source, so that I can excise the spot (if it came from a region that "didn't work"), or locate it for a successful return (if it came from a region that "worked").
The line by line critique rewrites your poem for you, but doesn't direct you inside, where you need to be to produce poems of value. It's like polishing a statue. But statues don't make poems, poets do. I never want people to polish my statues, but help me to write better poems, and help direct me to the space, inside, where I can find them.
Your moving into a complexity of image, metaphor, language cluster which is good. It will make you a stronger poet. It will give you another register you can call on to capture what you need, want to say, when necessary. Right now your poem is overburdened with it (this higher, complex register), but most poems are merely a step to another. This is a good step.
Keep moving in this direction. It is movement on the path of conquest.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2009-09-01 07:38:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Deni
You've got a nice sense of something almost mystical, something half-seen or intuited here.
I wonder however if you could consider some reworking for clarity (without, of course, doing ALL the reader's work for them!) as some of your diction is rather strained. Even allowing for enjambment, both "Creature curious of indigo blue pacify/faint-hearted bonds" & "Intend spoiling laughter with running after/another forest to fall into" are little difficult to process.
Having said that, the sense of playfulness, of whatever the 'jester' is, comes through.
Best wishes
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2009-08-30 19:33:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
It is easy to hear the rain drops and "laughter" in this piece. Creation being, those moments not present a moment ago, and the cycle that allows for the next.
Your forest setting is delightful. The piece made me smile.
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!