This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-11-02 02:29:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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My Homework No moon
Nor sun
or pleasant sign
View beauty through
blank eyes of mine
Cornered by
demons of death
Knock me along
steal my breath
regard to life is effortless
Deadened by death
crushed in endurance to accept
Merciless time wasted
with pain of want that strikes my bones
to hammer my fist when God took you Home.
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Copyright © November 2009 DeniMari Z.
Additional Notes:
My first therapy assignment was to write as best I could, any poem that sums up my true emotional feelings over the loss of my son. This is strictly therapuetic on my part and conveys intense emotions of mine - It's not to be voted on for sympathy - just critique as a homework assignment that I have to hand in this Thursday morning.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-11-22 21:20:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
A stark piece that does well in expressing the sense of anger and frustration you felt over this loss of yours. The last verse ins the strongest, it hammers, literally both literarily and emotionally. I would contrast this with verse one. You might want to re-write it. Beginning with 'no moon, nor sun ' to me is use of the 'over used' and to be honest it made me feel that what was to follow might also be in that vein. In short, I would recommend a stronger start :-)
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-11-13 16:42:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Hello DeniMari,
No parent should ever need to bury a child and I send you sympathy for your loss. You have poetically put your thoughts into words and I find nothing that should be changed or adjusted. A very emotional write.
Well done, cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2009-11-12 16:04:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Powerfully honest write. The anger and frustration of loss hits the reader straight in the face. You are right about not matter what beauty is about you, death blackens it to your eyes. I like this very much, short, no extra words here. Straight from the heart to paper.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2009-11-06 17:36:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Nicely written, not to keen on the abstract format, it sort of distracted me from the read. Anyhow, I believe you've put your thoughts down in a logical order and expressed your pain, anger, and hurt very well. Even in the end, the knowing that one has been called home is of small solice to the one left behind. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2009-11-05 08:03:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
your pain and loss is well felt within the lines presented in this poem my friend. Glad to see you are into therapy for the emotional loss of your son and perhaps in time the pain will ease within your heart. The flow of your words bring forth the emotional tears you are feeling and I mean not only tears falling from ones eyes but tears of the heart felt as well. Be well, keep writing and sharing your pain. God Bless, Claire
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