This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-12-03 15:47:56 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Left Behind She went away
in sable
colored night
Leaving behind
the brightness
of his pain
and kingly
walls.
Sounds of his room
were dulled
by quickened
heartbeats that rapped
like gavel’s
fall.
From his lips
cold breath plumed
curled vapors
lingering
for brief moments
before deliquescing
into still air.
He doubted his eyes
when he saw her
standing by the gate
He turned behind
time and caught
her stare,
that racked
him with shudders.
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Copyright © December 2009 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-01-07 20:18:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Cheyenne, I want this rewritten. The illusion of indistinctness is part of
the free verse virtue; it allows an interplay between poem and your reader of
being able to "jump" interpretation with personal aspects of the imagination.
The difference between a photograph and abstract art.
Never, never string together into one long sentence any direct thought. WE WANT
to differentiate from prose dramatically and take poetic license to its fullest.
Don't use articles when they are not necessary...something like "sream of consciousness"
is even prefereable.
I'm voting for this poem on potential, the potential I see easliy possible.
Show me I'm right. But first visit the work of the more established modern poets.
The one person who does this best here is Terry Anctil.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-01-05 19:00:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Cheyenne,
A rather haunting piece.
Turning back time causes lots of reactions, one being sorrow and being left.
Misguided mistakes that make one sad and shudder.
What fools we are!
Sable colored nights is interesting.....
I like this poece very much.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2009-12-28 16:19:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne,
Hello again! I have read this and contemplated it's meanings for the last hour or so. It took me awhile to put it all together but I think I got it! And then the end became the beginning and I shuddered myself.
The truth at the gate might just be that fullness after all.
Thank you enlightening me! My only suggestion would be adding a footnote. Whenever you write of something this personal, your readers may miss the truth (I know I almost did) without a footnote explanation.
Otherwise, it would just be wrong to change this. I found it very thought provoking and obviously spoken from the depth of your feelings.
Well done!
Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-12-17 21:59:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Cheyenne,
This is quite dramatic with a good mix of sounds and visuals. I can sense a tension in this piece, between the king and queen and your poem effectively conveys it. I stumbled on 'sounds of his room were dulled by quickened heartbeats' and am not sure if it works. I'm wondering what the sounds of his room are and would probably have had an easier time harbring a guess if it were , 'sounds from his room'. But then, I might be missing something. Verse 3 was poetically the strongest. I would spruce up verse 4 or pull it if possible as it 'tells' rather than 'shows'. Nevertheless, it's a strong write which could be poetically stronger in the event of a revision.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-12-11 00:35:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Amazing how love can bring such joy, and the opposite as well. I think I know "this" guy. (smile)
Very stark, beginning - imagery with sable/night fresh.
The poem is good, but it felt a bit vague after the outstanding start. I think you could embellish this, fine tune it and add more imagery to make the poem stand out.
blessings,
Deni
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