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This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2009-12-22 19:13:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Whitewashed

I am emptied. a deadened dried stalk twisted by quicksilver winds. Dreams scattered like blow-ball seeds cast over charred blackened ashes of truth you are Jonah shattered reds of hollow promises splash through eyes that see only thick blue-oranges of dolor. chilling songs of sacrifice rush past - thin gauze tatters of hope, devoured by prowling flames of silence, and stained in bitter blue suffusion of suffering flesh; heavy, lifeless, shivers beneath sharp-edged black ice blades of your gaze my heart learns by rote a cold colorless dance of indifference .

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-01-04 22:25:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Mary, I am thrilled to find a post from you. I find this piece innovative with a lot of potential for sharpening. The diamond is there...perhaps a little polishing :-) Your title is mischeviously misleading yet very apt. Its a keep. The spashes of all the varied colors in the piece burst at the reader as his expectations of whiteness die a sudden death. I like how you attach a color to almost everything in the piece. I'd look for more freshness in these lines - charred blackened ashes of truth splash through eyes chilling songs of sacrifice rush prowling flames of silence, and I liked 'quicksilver winds'. Hope to read more - Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-12-29 15:39:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, You definitely can color your world. All the hues wrapped in misery. You show your emotion well, ending with indifference. I especially like: Dreams scattered like blow-ball seeds cast over charred blackened ashes of truth. Whitewashed was a fitting title. Very good job! Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-12-24 21:23:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
"my heart learns by rote"...capturing the tone of this poem in a line of bittersweet depth. I would think more a white-out than whitewash, left with such feelings of abandon, almost numbing the emotions as sun and snow might the eyes. Rich in simile and euphemism the imagery is highly unique and attention stopping. In keeping with such profound effect of this abandon (Jonah) this imagery is reflective, the primary success of this poem. Still, my dear, not the quality I have seen in other of your work. But then that is understandable if you are still in remorse and perhaps too close to the moment. It is so good to have you back...if just for a while. I hope everything goes well and this poem is not that fresh. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-12-23 15:08:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Mary, I read a good amount of poetry but nothing I have read lately affected me like this one. It is chilling in its melancholy flavor. You have written some outstanding phrases that lead me to believe you have suffered a profound loss. Or perhaps an illness that you are tired of dealing with. I am most likely reading too much between the lines, however they speak to me in this manner. An outstanding poem. Best, cheyenne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2009-12-23 02:14:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary, This poem is extraordinary in its accomplishment. You've given your superb talent with imagery a purpose and direction, and have created a poem that can rival any other media in its effect. Each word has purpose and the restraint (the way you've paced the reading) governing the poem, intensifies its impact. Wonderful! Best wishes for a Merry Christmas! Terry

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