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This Poem was Submitted By: Kenneth R. Patton On Date: 2009-12-23 08:19:38 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Out The Shop Door

I looked out the shop door alone The sun seemed bleak The snow frigid and unsympathetic I breathed on the window until fog closed out the scene But it kept coming back

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2010-01-27 12:10:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
What an excellent tight write. No unnecessary wordage her to clearly show the reader the scene out that window and the atmosphere as well. Great Job!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-01-06 14:47:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Kenneth. This is quite good. Gives a bit to ponder on. Fog is a great subject! Trying to eliminate pain or sadnss of scene and it just comes back until it's resolved. Good job, Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-01-04 22:30:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Ken, Good to see you posting again !! The primary success of this poem is in its inteeligent closing. I like the way you capture the attribute of frost, temporary against the warmth of breath. This sort of balances the more simple opening. Too put a final polish to this I would recommend a fresher way, perhaps, of referring to the 'bleak' sun and 'frigid' snow. 'Unsypathetic' was a little more powerful than these other adjectives. Good luck with this !! Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-12-27 01:08:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Short,easy to read & comprehend poem. Nice imagery with so few lines - I know there's a message in this, focused on the breathing & the fog coming back, but I've yet to figure that part out. Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed this read. blessings, Deni

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-12-26 11:16:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Kenneth,ye I am a fan of terse poetry, especially those that speak volumes that's written between the lines. I like the malancholy flavor in this poem and your last line was not expected. In fact it made me ponder the meaning every time I read your well chosen words. "until fog closed out the scene" is an exceptional line. Well done, cheyenne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2009-12-25 21:25:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Kenneth. You certainly have helped me invision this chilly day! This is a great piece and entertained me, and left me something to ponder too! I am in Kansas today where our 25 mph winds keep gusting to 60 mph and the air temp is -9....Your words express that feeling I get when I look out over the horizon at nothing but cold air as far as I can see. (smile). When the sun is so unsympathetic that even the fog freezes you know you're in trouble! Thanks for sharing your wintry' feelings. Hope the sun starts shining soon! Ellen

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-12-24 20:57:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
That we may often try to color our circumstance, even fog out its unsettling details is this poem's higher presentation. Were the title a bit more encompassing (like, Out Frosted Windows) it might even be allegorical. The last line is the mindfulness of how we ultimately cannot hide from reality. If you place a bit more color to the first person's circumstance and aim for a bit more subtlety, with tighter lines, meter and just a bit of assonance or rhyme you would have something to compete with Robert Frost. In a certain measure it does already. JCH

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