This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-13 01:29:16 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Sand Castles The sands keep castles, souls embrace
like whispered dreams in sleeping seas,
where lovers spoon their hearts to please
in light that streams like angel wings.
The shores keep songs of lilt and lute
like silver strings the harp has strung.
The castle sands at night are mute
but morning brings the songs they’ve sung.
The tide is lulled by soft intakes,
where waters ebb and flow in bliss
and sunny days of light dismiss
the shadow’s gray when dawn awakes,
while beauty breathes for lover’s sake.
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Copyright © January 2010 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-02-05 22:58:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
hi Cheyenne,
I especailly enjoyed the musical quality to this piece which is very much consistent with the theme of the piece. I would, on second revision perhaps, look closely at these lines and maybe come up with some fresher lines - but morning brings the songs they’ve sung, where waters ebb and flow in bliss,the shadow’s gray when dawn awakes,while beauty breathes for lover’s sake ....
A nice poem, nonethless. Hope this helps !
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-25 04:57:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
I love any poem that touches on water, and you have a good rhyme through out this post. It's a soft written, heartfelt piece with good imagery - a place where one can pause and be there with you - feel the poem, and drift away from reality for awhile.
You've packed a lot into this poem, so I can't see anything about it I would change. The sea, oceans - the mysteries abound, love & beach intertwine as if written from the beginning that they should some how define a romantic area - for lovers.
Very good job, I enjoyed it.
blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-01-17 07:34:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
A light and airy poem that dances along with a comfortable cadence and pleasant rhyme. This poem gives the reader a chance to escape the mundane, the atrocities of the world, a chance to breathe and remember what music was, of colors and dreams and more pleasant things. I enjoyed your poem. no nits or spags. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-01-15 09:31:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
I would like so much better, The sands are castle's keep (look up the medieval meaning of "keep".}
The line is pressed for meaning otherwise. Instead of "spoon" think about, plumb "their hearts to please"
where the verb pertains to taking depth with a plum-bob. Like Samuel Johnson once said, "where it strains
one to make sense, is the insensible". Meaning he viewed art as needing to make sense. When I applaud
you for tight imagery you are fulfilling this demand well. Here you don't.
The next two verses fly, some license with "lilt and lute" but the assonance achieved is lovely. I am
impressed that you can make breaks in rhyming pattern work so well. Indeed one should NOT feel constrained
to anything that dampens a poem's success...especially form.
A little work and this comes up to the level of other poems of yours I've praised.
"While beauty breathes for lover's sake" is an indepth multifacet of meaning I find a grand closing line.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-01-13 17:34:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Cheyenne
I may be about to become your least favourite critiquer ... sorry!
This is not one of your best. From what I've seen of you so far, the images you've used are well below what you're capable of. Cliche ("angel wings") and tautology ("sunny days of light")? You know better than this. You're clearly aiming at at impressionistic encapsulation of a moment, but these aspects leave the piece bloodless, in my estimation.
If poetry can be described as "meter-making argument", this leaves me quite unconvinced.
Sorry to be so ... harsh. I mean well, though I may not sound it.
Best wishes,
Mark.
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