This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-15 15:12:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Left Behind (Revised) She left
in sable
colored night
behind brightness
of his pain’s kingly
walls
Room sounds
dulled
quickened
heartbeats rapped
like gavel’s fall
finely etched promise
faded
From his lips
cold breath plumed,
curled vapors
lingered,
brief moments
deliquesced
still air
Doubting eyes
saw her
blurred image
seep
Behind timeless shards
his anguished stare
flat
Racked shudders
held him
|
|
Copyright © January 2010 cheyenne smyth
Additional Notes:
JCH asked me to revise this poem. I have done that (several times) I fear this is as good as it gets.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-01-24 19:24:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne, this is a very sad and poignant tale of long enduring love and the final moments as the death rattle soon overtakes a beloved. You've very nicely poetically chronicled a life of love and devotion; of ever being present till the end and yet-- in the resolute finaly you've even shown the strength of hope. Your structure lends its self well to your poem and your descriptive verbiage is most eloquent. The cadence with which your poem moves your reader through to end is excellent. A most enjoyable read, no nits or spags. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-01-15 20:51:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Cheyenne
I do hope you're still speaking to me after my last effort. For you and for anyone who reads this, I apologise for my tone in my crit of 'Sand Castles'. I meant what I said, but I now see that was was awfully clumsy in my delivery. Please accept my apologies.
Now, to this. I've said it before and I'll say it again: JCH is a very shrewd reader of poetry. Your revision of this is a mark of respect of this, I think.
Personally, I like this very much. My rambling about 'Sand Castles' neglected to appreciate the fine structure you achieved. And I mean it. I should have remarked upon it but the technical qualities were to me so apparent that commenting on it seemed redundant. In THIS case, however, you've achieved -- with more deftness -- a structural quality quite independent of rhyme schemes and meter. That's not so easy, but you've done it.
Good as this is, I do however think that you have scope to squeeze even more performance from it by slightly changing some of your lineation and enjambment. For example:
finely etched promise
faded
From his lips
cold breath plumed,
curled vapors
VS
finely etched promise
faded
from his lips, cold
breath plumed, curled
vapors
In your existing version, 'lips' and 'cold' are unconnected, but with this enjambment, 'cold' works across both lines, modifying both 'lips' and 'breath'. Notice also I dropped the capital F, because in my view that interferes with the natural enjambment on offer from the preceding line, i.e. 'faded/from his lips'. Formally it's nice to be consistent, I understand that, but I'd be reluctant to do it here when it's at the expense of an extra squeeze (tiny as it might be!!) on the accelerator.
All in all I'm impressed by this. Nice to see you being busy here. You're a real addition to this site.
Best wishes
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-01-15 19:38:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Yes, this is to what modern poetry advances. Many ways to describe it, it is what impressionism was to
painting, to poetry. You did very well and you'll get better until it's just as natural to you as
iambic pentameter and the heroic couplet. As close as it comes in prose is stream of consciousness best
exampled by James Joyce. But never successful in the sense this indisctinct connectiveness is to poetry.
Few have ever perfected it, if any, but it can be done and many glorious attempts have been managed.
It is the flower forever opening. Think of it that way.
Terry is well on her way to doing it and you might as well.
Non-determinism in the novel revitalized literature, this may very well do the same for poetry.
It would be a joy to me to see you and/or Terry one day click off a masterpiece that has no direct
work by which to compare it.
(I never liked the adage, "Nothing new under the sun".)
JCH
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