This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-17 04:20:48 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Take or Give Out We could taste fruit
from anothers basket
ask to take some home.
For what is theirs
we wish to call our own.
Yet one day or two next,
another basket we expect.
Place our hands in
to take again,
is there ever
enough
to fullfill us within?
As a chord srikes
a meaningful note,
while homeless seek
a strangers home;
an empty basket
is all they've known.
What in life really counts?
When moments are missed
tip-toeing through doubt.
Can my candle lead
you to the light?
Favor those humbled in life.
Or will you wander about on the world tour
to find the basket of fruit which over pours?
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Copyright © January 2010 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-02-06 21:00:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
This is a poem with a very powerful message and the image of an empty basket versus an over-flowing one is well thought out. In my opinion, you could choose to make this more concise. The real power of this piece is in verses 5,6, 7 and 8. I dont think its necessary to keep verse 4 in terms of the value it adds. All the best with your revision !
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-01-22 20:07:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Deni
This is a thoughful piece. I'd like to see it rewritten though with a tighter structure. Sometimes free verse is a horse that's difficult to direct, and this one left me feeling a little roughed up by the ride, though I did enjoy the scenery.
Best wishes
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-01-17 16:04:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
It's an interesting ending to this poem and one that I don't see as -either/or; BOTH posit something good. I'm not sure that's what you wanted to say. If one was to find the "basket of fruit that overpours", then it would be possible to more help "those humbled in life".
Kinda like, you can't give what you haven't got yourself. Still, you draw a contrast between those who are never satisfied and those who are ever needy, offering the idea that life has more to offer than need and want.
Hope you are feeling better now.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-01-17 12:49:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Certainly the best poem you've done in a while, DeniMarie. Tight to meaning without
being contrived (excellent the subtle rhyme of "next" with "expect".) Broad universality
of meaning, applicable to all of social consciousness and/or the downtrodden. The natural
tones and rhythems are like falling leaves, so lightly taken...yet profound. Excellent
sentiments abounding with the truth of human discontentment and its, quite often, false
sense of values. Statements like, "Favor those humbled in life" are resounding.
Excellent poem.
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