This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-18 11:03:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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My Loves Lullyby He was the language
I understood
a place
to escape
slip off
my shoes
feeling
comfortably safe
His deep blue eyes that
held mystery of youth
could mirror to my own self truth
Loved and embraced
each waking day
within his spell
I wanted to stay
Like a magnet
my heart
attached to
his music of life
from the world
laced with pain
his song
calmed me at will
romancing my dreams
precious and still
He shouldered my arms
with tender love
blushing through kisses
over laden with joy
trembling and sending me
this man yet a boy
Whose laughter lit up my eyes
photographed a picture
of my future in his life
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Copyright © January 2010 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-25 16:52:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
This is a wistful poem laced with melancholy. Most of it is written in the past tense so I can only conclude this man is no longer in your life. You speak of him with tenderness that I find charming even though he may have broken your heart. You have made good word choices and the flow is easy and even. Well done.
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-01-24 09:59:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
The sublimation of emotion made when we allow another the depths of our love
is not always adviseable, most often counter-productive to our health. For the brave,
having found some antidote in their experience of romantic "foraging", they begin
by acknowledging the ideal is never found.
In this poem, however, the poet seems to not have arrived at that saving grace.
But then many poems have followed the Romeo and Juliet model, haven't they?
Allowing you this, the reader finds lovely imagery relating to a close and intimate
mutual partaking of sensual delights. The next-to-last verse builds a vision of
that ecstasy flourishing.
The last verse is the resulting power of expectation in, "photographed a picture/
of my future in his life". The opening up of vulnerability.
A rare glimpse into the psychic workings of a giving woman yet to be hardened into
something much less.
Above all, I find the honesty refreshing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-01-18 21:59:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
It's great to critique a poem of yours. It has been a while.
There is a strong sense of affection that emanates from this. However, the verses with potential are 1,4 and the last one. I would recommend re-writing the others or removing them. The piece would still stand in the course of a revise without them.
You have the sincerity of thought and emotion and with a little fine tuning (particularly in the area of fresher imagery) this piece will sing.
Good to see you active this month !!
Duane.
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