This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-01-20 06:08:28 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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In confidence The moon's wizening eye that dares not close
to look in full upon its night's darkness
watches over the deserts, the ice floes
it sprang from. The moon's lone eye, waterless
as ice, absence encased in a vacuum,
lies frozen deep in its matrix, mourning.
All brilliance its diamond was adorning
now refracts a cold alien pantoum.
I go with no solution to that moon
that I am travelling to, that it demands.
Because of or despite my steady hands
I'm just a pilot who'll be there, too soon
I close on a moon that's fractured to its core
and, this close, I may speak of it no more. |
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Copyright © January 2010 Mark Andrew Hislop
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-01-25 22:53:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, I've read this several times and have been hesitant in reviewing. I know this is in the sonnet category all though with my limited knowledge of sonnets I can not put the correct form name to it. However, your
th line is an 11 count. Also, might I suggest to use an elide for the words "brilliance" and "travelling" else some will pronounce them as 3 syllable words and thus your count will be off on those lines. The only other problem that hinder me was the repetition of the words: moon=4, close=3, eye=2 and unfortunately these do not allowing your poem the exaltation it deserves. Your content is the saving grace of this poem, rich in texture and introspection, a choice to stay solitary, isolit in the chance of better perception of your realm and it's cause and effect on your personna. Disolutionment, attonement, and the questions purposed to self seem to take poet to a darker side, one of less contemplation and more of a sense of mundane exceptance. An execellent poem to ponder although I do not feel it is you at your best. Peace, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2010-01-23 15:54:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH,
Well done. I don't think I've ever written a Petrarchan sonnet. I look at his somewhat from the outside, as I've absolutely no current attachment to the formal and mastering convention. Of course, that probably means I'll be writing Petrarchan sonnets tomorrow. Prompted and goaded by your influence, no doubt.
So I can tell this is well done, and appreciate that, but I'm in the mood for Chinese and this is Italian.
That "moon" however, and the lines pertaining thereto, struck a chord in me.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-01-22 16:00:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark,
'Rocketman', the first word that came to mind when I read this poem. A song sang by Elton John, apparently based on a short story by Ray Bradbury in "The Illustrated Man".
The tone is one of perfect stillness, as though introspection has created its own space. And though the moon is metaphor for many things, it was the space-travelling body that resonated with me. This is not a reduction, because literally the poem works on that level and could easily be published in a science-fiction journal.
The poem also represents the best of science-fiction, which is never based on technology, but states of mind, consciousness wrapping in different ways around details, challenged by the unknown, introspective about the future.
You used the word, 'close' in two different ways, the ending it works best, the other two on subsequent readings of the poem, stumble as the mind reads close/close (different pronunciations and meanings). This is too good a poem for that. (If it's just my reading, well, nevermind.)
The title of the poem, and the last line work perfectly together. The theme: "there is something upon this man that weighs heavily that he cannot share". (I know, paraphrasing sucks and never does justice to a wonderful poem like this.)
I've learned that there are many secrets not worth the price we pay to keep them. That is the moral question behind your poem.
Your Muse is awake. Let her tell.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-20 16:57:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Mark,
I have read this piece several times and each time I want the word 'wizening' to be 'wizened' Perhpaps you might think that would change the meaning of the line but it doesn't for me. Sorry to nit pick, it is just one word, after-all. You have stumped me with the word 'pantoum' my dictionaries are no doubt lacking. You have an engaging rhyme and your phrasing is first rate. You have no doubt been writing poetry for a long time to be so accomplished. This is an exceptional poem.
Best wishes, cheyennne
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-01-20 08:53:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92000
Such a poem is best euphemism for something parallel, metaphorially relevent, socially relevent...
even personal on a basis for which all can relate. We look to the title for some clue of that.
Striking upon "personal on a basis for which all can relate" we might guess the meaning the moon
has become to the poet as he poems, to be some form of sterile transcendence, a removal of self
to some distant point. From some station or situation in life where even coldness, apartness, is
preferable.
Not a good sign, my young friend. Even more troubling than Frost's friends must have felt upon
reading his, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.
Some "confidences" are not meant to keep.
JCH
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