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This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-20 14:57:14 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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A Different Path

I walked a different path today strolling to the corner I saw it there, looking at me an old house appearing brittle frozen almost I paused and wondered how it came to be sun died against window panes, as if it couldnâ€™t penetrate the grime no budding boughs on tree arms clicking in breeze lurching shadows striped the forgotten, disused yard flower beds held twisted roots, tangled weeds and neglect no movement no sign of lifeâ€™s breath It stood muted, alone silence enveloped me like an involuntary scream it seemed to stare as if judging me I backed away, turned to go, when I looked back it was gone swallowed by shrouds of persistent purple fog

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-02-02 08:13:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94872
I want you to try something, Cheyenne. "Skeletonize" this down to what bare essentials are needed to grasp your meaning...then enrich what is left with imagery. Imagery that you vision, feel, almost touch. It's in other poems of yours, even those highly form conscious. But I don't see it here to the same extent. Words like "scream" and phrases like, "swallowed by shrouds" alone don't justify the intensity suggested. Bring this up to the powerful potentials growth, suggested by your title, must actually represent. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-25 04:59:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Great!! My fav from you so far - wow - is an understatement and this read perfectly - the message, the dark emotions through out - thoughts, imagery, fresh and new. Kudos to you Cheyenne - I'm your newest fan, blessings, Deni

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-01-24 17:47:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Cheyenne, I enjoyed this poem, the consistent tone carried by the word choices evoked the image of the house as alive (and that's delicious), and the words, 'looked at me','seemed to stare'...very good way of bring the reader into the poem, into experiencing the poem. At first I thought the lines were too choppy, but then found them as 'walking' and timing the read to coordinate with the experience the poem shares. You might change the words, "as if it couldn't penetrate the grime" (awkward) to another image that reinforces, "sun died against window panes' in a more poetic way. I thought of halloween when I read this poem and gothic writing, your poem was well done in those traditions. The 'purple fog' ending was a delightful touch. Good free verse poem, very Poe-ish. Lovecraft also wrote some great short stories that would begin by such ideas and imagery as you used in your poem and so, you have esteemed company in such writing. Terry

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-01-20 19:30:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Cheyenne All I can say is ... ... wow. This one is firing on all cylinders. Best, Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-01-20 18:21:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne, Very good! There are so many abandoned houses left because of finances. Big old houses, once able to be remodeled sit rotting and alone. Their use gone....... sad. This could also be said of people. This poem felt like walking along by its format. You used good ideas [the son/weeds] almost as if the house had life. Thoughtful work. Dellena

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