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This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-02-18 16:52:54 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Remember Tomorrow

Old, a shell whose voice belonged to wind strays, night echoes fall on whittled dreams promises frayed in tapestry hues Memory shrieks lost in haunted chord-less tunes, worn beyond years lines etched deep Spirals of sun splashes papery skin, thin tears fall in chasmâ€™s dour cheeks Lifeâ€™s chronicles hold dark corridors that mating fireflies forgot to light Yet eyes hold hints of mirth and wicks of light His closed doorways remember tomorrow

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-02-27 02:13:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hope this is okay...I wanted to critique "Dying Winds" and it somehow got deleted from my list. So hope you don't mind Cheyenne if I critique it here. "Dying Winds" shows the weary fatalism of old age (antique lines, shallow runes, shackled meanings). It is melancholy, but not self-pitying. It is a poem past prospect, almost depressive the mood evoked by the description all emphasizing more the theme of "dying winds". The poem is successful in that no more a weary picture could be found. It does go well with this poem, "Remember Tomorrow" which is the same thing said only slightly differently, with more imagery and a hint of hope. These poems are not my favorites because they evoke images of old ladies sitting silently in windows of old-age homes. The themes of loss and decline can be noble and I do prefer the "rage, rage, against the dying of the light"; so it might be just my personal preferences in poeming. Terry

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2010-02-21 14:13:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Life is a long dark corridor mating fireflies may light its brass sconces hold candles whose wicks [ ] whisper of doorways the cold stone floor the damp wet walls the vermin scratching the dripping water the etc. There's no sun in here. Until you forget yesterday. tomorrow

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-02-20 23:54:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Nice, I like the words you chose "whittled dreams" dreams chipped away at, and frayed into colors. Great imagery. There is a deep tone of sadness, regret in the first two verses. An intense write - delving into life, with exceptional verbiage in your 4th verse - this verse stands out in this poem. I did hesitate for a minute with the ending, trying to relate "His", into the piece - which could be the universal being you've chosen to include in this poem. Once again, impressed by your style and unique way of writing. blessings, Deni

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-02-19 08:15:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Cheyenne Thematically, this hangs together ... ageing, forgetfulness, regret, modest optimism ... in a way that I can feel. But I do struggle with the images, which I think you'd do well to rework. For example: "thin tears/fall in chasmâ€™s dour cheeks" defeats the perfectly sound and, in my view, preferable "thin tears/fall in cheeks' dour chasms". Also "Spirals of sun" as an image seems rather like wishful thinking ... it's possible to imagine, sure, but not to SEE, which is the true goal. The best stanza is S4, but even then I think your lineation (which I believe is a problem throughout this piece) saps it of energy. A line is a unit as much as a stanza is. So, the way I see it, Lifeâ€™s chronicles hold dark corridors that mating fireflies forgot to light is weaker than (something like) the equally readily available Lifeâ€™s chronicles hold dark corridors mating fireflies forgot to light I think this one needs some work, baby. Best wishes always, Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-02-18 21:43:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
There are poems of mind and poems of mood. The poem of both is a challenge to succeed. Only a themetic core can carry such a blending of these two. As the title infers, a pattern seen in the past can indeed speak for one in the future. But in the third verse you have a needless digression where this joining is not reaffirmed. Qualities of the indistinct and their faceted playing upon our imagination is grand. In the final verse "His" suggests romantic pining from our lady poet and draws the tone to melancholy. The effect is unifyiing and immediate to reflection of the poem throughout. Just fix that third verse. JCH

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