This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-02-21 05:02:17 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The lucky stars

At Jervis Bay, the overcast dome of night, tight as an oyster, withheld my novelty for you (you even asked how long we'd last) night after muzzled night. I'd await cloudbreaks at all declinations while the dark broadcast its mockery, frogs sniggering their oestrous state. Third evening: clear air set the tone. 'You'll see two satellites tonight' was the forecast I rushed to make. Though all we saw was that one between two less-expected bolts, white javelins on black atmosphere opening heaven for us, you forgave me my prophetic faults for the lucky catch we'd made: one satellite, two shooting stars. Far less shy than your eyes, and far less brief, those lucky stars have stayed with me: I gave up satellite- hunting for them from that moment,  knowing how they'd rise again in your eyes, where my own saw fate.

Copyright © February 2010 Mark Andrew Hislop


This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-03-03 14:17:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Probably the best love poem I've read since MSS's "At Home with the Sleeping". Showing that it is a genre that will persist, even better than done in the past. To poem this close to private feelings, is to allow readers a privileged glimpse into the depth of feelings that some men can have. This poem shows that there is really no other way for love poetry to extend beyond what has already been said. Abstractions and generalities simply can't carry anymore the themes of love and desire anymore, and in this poem there were none. Thus, you have freed readers from the pat response that sentimental writing demands of them and allowed them a view distinctive and enduring in theme because of its originality. Terry


This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-02-21 21:16:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow Mark, One of the highlights this month. An awesome read. I love its enigmatic essence, the wonderful imagery and the romance of it all. Great read. Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-02-21 14:22:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark, I think love poems are so difficult to write since so many have been written before. However, this one is fresh with wonderful words and phrasing. If it isn't a love poem, I'll just hang myself and get it over with. You have nice end rhymes which carry the poem softly down the page. I have tried to pick a favorite word or line but find it impossible without giving the rest their due. Your imagery is superb as is the theme. Well done. Best wishes, cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2010-02-21 13:36:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Clearly, I am going to have to take up a new hobby. I am coming up with faceless hands, old broomsticks, a broken harp. Even the uniform shows its age: the knees are worn, the booties showing toes: this old suit does not me. Perhaps you could recommend a constellation, a night, a figment...rent her out to a mate? The title does not kindle me fire, however much the poem and the conceit do. Perhaps "That One Night I Looked Into Your Eyes And Saw How Old I Really Am" would do? Or something. You're on a roll. Keep spinning. tew
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