This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-06-29 17:00:16 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Smothered Fears She cast her mem’ries in the sea
that flowed between her soul and heart
they curled as far as she could see
then played in waves and fell apart
She softly sighed amidst the tears
and tucked away her painful thoughts
the eddies swirled and smothered fears
embraced her with the peace she sought
When stormy thoughts let loose she fled
to hear the rhythmic beats off shore
the pain her heart and soul once bled
is lulled in memory once more
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Copyright © June 2010 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-07-05 15:53:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne,
Very nice. A neat way of soothing ones self from things you cannot change.
Fixed is the past. Rarely do we have choices. And easily we take the path
of least resistance. I'd change a few things past if I could.
You wrote a thinking poem..... I like living the memories.
Your rhythm is perfect. I'd like:
Casting memories in the sea
flowing between her soul and heart
rather than mem'ries
Great job, a lot to chew on.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-07-04 01:36:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is a good poem, but you've written and posted much better pieces. I feel a void of something missing - but I just can't put my finger on what.
She cast her mem’ries in the sea
that flowed between her soul and heart ( Good, strong and clarity allowing the reader to engage in the content)
they curled as far as she could see
then played in waves and fell apart
She softly sighed amidst the tears
and tucked away her painful thoughts
the eddies swirled and smothered fears (Word choices here; I know you have fresher words in your poetic talents, but perhaps these were exactly how you were feeling during this write) The peace has been found - and appreciated here.
embraced her with the peace she sought
When stormy thoughts let loose she fled
to hear the rhythmic beats off shore
the pain her heart and soul once bled
is lulled in memory once more
The water theme works, sea - flowed - curled - waves - eddies - stormy - shore -
and you've shown the storm, and hold it inside with memories -
I'm looking for the theme in your ending - perhaps changing lulled to rivered..?? Just my own observation, and intentions are all good.
Keep it up - because I look forward to your posts.
blessings,
Deni
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