This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2010-09-13 22:05:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Becoming One

Falling leaves Disperse in breeze Tales of woe Where did we go? Soon the rains Will wrap the pain Frozen chill Will grip us still Snow will fall From cloudy skies Barren land Where no One stands No one knows Where no One goes When Tired Eyes See blinding lies Icicles Encapsulate Memories To validate Bright sun melts Frozen pieces Locked away Fear releases And spills out Of shattered doubt Mirrored walls The truth befalls Lying Eyes No longer cries Dark of night Be still her fright Melt within Let peace begin Pieces wait Communicate With pieces Once thought deceased United One Who’d come undone

Copyright © September 2010 Mandie J Overocker

Additional Notes:

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-09-28 18:04:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie, This is an accomplished poem and one I throughly enjoyed reading more than once. I like the short rhyming couplets which works well here. You have so many good phrases that it is impossible to name them all. I often miss the lyrical poetry as it seems so many write free verse. Nothing wrong with that but a poem like this draws me in with its lovely rhyme and good word choices. Excellent! Best wishes, cheyenne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-09-26 22:10:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie ! It's wonderful to see you posting again. It's been a very long time. I like your use of gives the poem a lot of charge and helps it forge ahead till the end. I did feel your fourth and fifth verses were the strongest because of the balance between imagery and the thought. In that respect, I do feel that you could make this a lot more concise to pack in more power. Build on the base but dont build too high :-) Thanks for another long-awaited opportunity to read your work. Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-09-23 17:12:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi, We are many faceted as everything else in life really seems to be as well. Although you dwell more on growth and difficulty. Ending with a united/whole spirit. I like the ideas of this piece... although it could be a bit more concise. I like the short stanzas leading to easy flowing of words and thought. Rhymes a bit expected. A good job. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-09-20 01:06:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie this poem has so much potential if just reworked a bit with some changes - I see it could be outstanding. Take a look, and of course - my personal opinion on this particular write: Becoming One Falling leaves float in the breeze Tales of woe where did they go? Soon the rains wrap the pain Frozen chill grips us still Next you've broken your rhyme pattern, so I'm wondering why. Snow will fall From cloudy skies Barren lands in icy time. No one knows Where no One goes This could be eliminated, it makes the reader hesitate as to what message is being sent. When Tired Eyes See blinding lies Icicles Encapsulate What are we validating here - find the word - you will. Memories To validate Bright sun melts Frozen pieces Locked away Fear releases spills out Of shattered doubt Mirrored walls The truth befalls Lying Eyes No longer cries - Change cries to cry Write it out this way and see if you see a difference - I do. Dark of night Be still her fright Melt within Let peace begin Pieces wait Communicate With pieces Once thought deceased United One Who’d come undone Hoping you don't take offense to my suggestions, but like I said earlier - some tweaking and this could do very, very well. blessings, Deni
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