This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2010-09-13 22:05:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Becoming One Falling leaves
Disperse in breeze
Tales of woe
Where did we go?
Soon the rains
Will wrap the pain
Frozen chill
Will grip us still
Snow will fall
From cloudy skies
Barren land
Where no One stands
No one knows
Where no One goes
When Tired Eyes
See blinding lies
Icicles
Encapsulate
Memories
To validate
Bright sun melts
Frozen pieces
Locked away
Fear releases
And spills out
Of shattered doubt
Mirrored walls
The truth befalls
Lying Eyes
No longer cries
Dark of night
Be still her fright
Melt within
Let peace begin
Pieces wait
Communicate
With pieces
Once thought deceased
United One
Who’d come undone
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Copyright © September 2010 Mandie J Overocker
Additional Notes:
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-09-28 18:04:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie,
This is an accomplished poem and one I throughly enjoyed reading more than once. I like the short rhyming couplets which works well here. You have so many good phrases that it is impossible to name them all. I often miss the lyrical poetry as it seems so many write free verse. Nothing wrong with that but a poem like this draws me in with its lovely rhyme and good word choices. Excellent!
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-09-26 22:10:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie !
It's wonderful to see you posting again. It's been a very long time.
I like your use of rhyme...it gives the poem a lot of charge and helps it forge ahead till the end. I did feel your fourth and fifth verses were the strongest because of the balance between imagery and the thought. In that respect, I do feel that you could make this a lot more concise to pack in more power. Build on the base but dont build too high :-)
Thanks for another long-awaited opportunity to read your work.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-09-23 17:12:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi,
We are many faceted as everything else in life really seems
to be as well. Although you dwell more on growth and difficulty.
Ending with a united/whole spirit. I like the ideas of this piece...
although it could be a bit more concise.
I like the short stanzas leading to easy flowing of words and thought.
Rhymes a bit expected.
A good job.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-09-20 01:06:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mandie this poem has so much potential if just reworked a bit with some changes - I see it could be outstanding.
Take a look, and of course - my personal opinion on this particular write:
Becoming One
Falling leaves
float in the breeze
Tales of woe
where did they go?
Soon the rains
wrap the pain
Frozen chill
grips us still
Next you've broken your rhyme pattern, so I'm wondering why.
Snow will fall
From cloudy skies
Barren lands
in icy time.
No one knows
Where no One goes This could be eliminated, it makes the reader hesitate as to what message is being sent.
When Tired Eyes
See blinding lies
Icicles
Encapsulate What are we validating here - find the word - you will.
Memories
To validate
Bright sun melts
Frozen pieces
Locked away
Fear releases
spills out
Of shattered doubt
Mirrored walls
The truth befalls
Lying Eyes
No longer cries - Change cries to cry
Write it out this way and see if you see a difference - I do.
Dark of night
Be still her fright
Melt within
Let peace begin
Pieces wait
Communicate
With pieces
Once thought deceased
United One
Who’d come undone
Hoping you don't take offense to my suggestions, but like I said earlier - some tweaking and this could do very, very well.
blessings,
Deni
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