This Poem was Submitted By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-01-15 21:59:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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BONES

Breeding among the marrow of my bones Half hidden lies a spriteful dancing flame Bouncing along, spreading whispering moans Across the silver threads, laughing my name Like frozen liquid metal, shattering, Rattling each limb, as he plays his game, Sparks flying through my nerves hit splattering, Rippling flesh, yearning to meet the same.

Copyright © January 2011 David Keesey

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-02-06 20:54:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
David, This could be a sonnet should you add two more lines... I like the rhyme, subtle, not forced. the rhythm is right on. You paint such a unique picture, I can almost follow your spark, the dancing flame as it travels among your bones making your flesh ripple and rattling your limbs. Very interesting~ well done! Welcome to TPL - it is nice to see new writers here. Mandie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-02-02 09:50:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
David, there is a scene here- and I believe the entire piece may be a metaphor for hidden secrets that haunt a person; otherwise, (oddly, I am almost done with Stephen R Donaldson’s book “Against All Things Ending”, and the son constructed a marrowmeld out of BONEs. It made it difficult for me to separate your verse from that scene just read last night), but I will. I will have to admit, I am a bit lost. I hear the “breeding among the marrow” and think of an infection or cancer- or the past impacting present state of mind. “Sparks flying” and “rippling flesh” put to rest all my previous thoughts. It is a startling piece, and I think this month I must have blinders on- I cannot find a point of focus for me to understand it better. I believe, it has hit a chord, I just can’t figure out what chord that is.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2011-01-27 23:10:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
HI David, Welcome to TPL....we are delighted to have you with us !! Some dark and stark imagery flows through this piece. Flesh and bone whets the appetite for the macabre. I especially like the 'silver threads' and their allusion to the tissue. The sense of shuddering, rattling, rippling creates a feeling of the chill of aniticipation. 'He plays his game' might call for more specification. There is a dire need for rhyme to lift itself up from the shadows of poetry and thrive once more. I can tell that you are one of its torch bearers. While I always prefer and recommend a more subtle usage of rhyme, your scheme did not seem too forced thanks to the depth of the image and abstraction. I look forward to reading more.. Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-01-27 14:29:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
David, Sounds to me you ant a woman.......interesting subject matter. Short to the point. Good descriptive words. First read I saw spiteful instead of spriteful. Which jarred me a bit trying to understand. Instead of ending yearning to meet the same [to rhyme] maybe left open like more words like yearning......and no conclusion. Ones left to think what they will. Just a thought..... I liked it. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-01-19 23:55:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.83333
Strong line to start this deep, thought provoking poem that leans towards painful emotions written in poetic form. The idea of breeding/lies inside of bones is unique and stands out in the first two lines. Your use of laughing makes me "hear" embarrassment to a certain extent yet the writer hides the cause which makes this more interesting to the reader. Imagery a plus with "Like a frozen liquid metal shattering which brings audio in place and catches the readers attention. All in all it's a well written poem that must come from deep within. It is a tight - no nits or anything you've written that I can see room for improvement on. You are defined in style - and I look forward to reading more of your work. On my list for this month, blessings, Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-01-17 15:12:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi David, This is one of those poems that begs to be pondered. I did have to read it several times as I had some qualms with a couple of the lines. At first I couldn't get the sense of the line... Like frozen liquid metal...however, I do understand the meaning...I kept thinking it should be.. Like metal's forzen liquid Also in the 6th line you wrote...as he plays his game I'm not sure who 'he' is so maybe the meaning escapes me but my not understanding doesn't detract from the beauty of the line. You have a good poetic pen and I hope to read more of your poems. Best wishes, cheyenne
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