This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-01-27 19:00:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Integrating Night and Day All parts of a whole
As darkness aligns,
Now paralyzed soul
Goes into the night.
Searching for meaning
Somewhere in this world;
Yet finding nothing
As round she was twirled.
So riddle me this -
For you who know peace;
What's the point of bliss,
Knowing you're a beast?
For darkness can’t hide
What shadows reveal.
Horrible deeds, lies
Will never conceal.
To step into light
And know life anew
Burning away night’s
Unforgiving view
Takes courage and might
That alone can’t be done
But all parts in time
Together will come
To have realized
It’s better as one
Whole being united
Than each part undone.
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Copyright © January 2011 Mandie J Overocker
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2011-02-06 16:21:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie,
I give this a 6. I don't mean to offend, but the system requires critiques for voting weight. And I have neither the time nor perhaps ability to give in depth critiques. With my humble apologies, this will have to do.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-02-02 12:46:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
A very introspective view Mandie. The observers form written into your words adds to the mystery and questioning that comes in the verse.
“Takes courage and mightâ€, is synonymous with living in general. “The whole being unitedâ€, is a pristine algorithm, to a tempestuous image. I find myself staring at your last two lines to put together a buffer between promise and actuality.
this piece made me think a lot. Also, after “peace, bliss†one comes to beast. Maybe that question mark where the nipple would be is unplanned, but it works.
This is a very well done piece. Thank you for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-01-30 16:18:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
The round trip of this work is good but I'm left wondering who or what is the paralyzed soul. The beast and bliss feels disjointed. The summation at the end is well worded but I am left wondering what now knows it is better to be whole. The rhyme scheme is unique and adds to the piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-01-28 00:14:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.22222
I pray a paralyzed soul takes courage with others and realizes a whole being is possible, for what has been broken can be repaired. You've done a good job with this post. The structure is off but I've had that happen to me too while trying different ways to enhance some poems. Deep reflective thoughts that surface that help turn a page forward while closing chapters we wish never happened.
All in all the message is clear with hope ending this write "It's better as one, whole and at peace with past haunts.
blessings,
Deni
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