This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-01-28 10:37:06 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Old Bones As the Earth rumbles
And shakes from its core
Splitting wide open
Revealing the sore
Harsh winds carry spirits
Of those long since gone
Pushing Old Bones onward
Looking for home
Vines in despair
Grasp Old Bones’ feet
Searching for meaning
Each time they meet
Skies of vermillion
Bode a heavy heart
Not knowing the end
Or even the start
Old Bones keeps trudging
Climbing peak after peak
Each mountainside looking
For that which she seeks
Rolling thunder clouds
Cry her silent tears
As Old Bones descends
Into the valley of fears
The journey is long
But Old Bones does know
Deep in her heart
Which way she must go
Collecting each life
Lived moments in time
Rescuing their souls
Old Bones will remind
Each one how precious
And miraculous they are
For when the night comes
And the sky fills with stars
Each twinkle above
Flashes in Old Bones’ eyes
Knowing they’re home
As she looks to the skies
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Copyright © January 2011 Mandie J Overocker
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-02-05 01:58:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43750
Very nicely done Mandie! A good take on soul searching and written with positives of moving on - no matter what obstacle stand in front of someone. Strong intro - a haunt can be opened at any time. Appreciate the verbiage you chose to make an impact in this poem but I see a few changes that might make this post really stand out.
I would omit the repetition of "Old Bones" ..as it is the title and then placed many times in your poem.
If I may,
Harsh winds carry spirits
Of those long since gone
Pushing onward
Looking for home
Vines of despair
Grasp feet
Searching for meanings
Each time they meet
Rolling thunder clouds
Shed silent tears
As she descends
Into the valley of fears
The journey is long
yet she knows
Deep in her heart
Which way she must go
Each twinkle above
Flashes in her eyes
Knowing they’re home
As she looks to the skies
Of course each writer's intent is to get a message, a piece of themselves placed in each poem,
and you have done this - just a little tightening up would make this poem flow and bring out the best of your chosen theme.
blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-02-03 15:12:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie,
I think my bones have turned old too...
Nice, reflective, memorable. Rhyme was not too much, flow was easy
and continual, subject good, I've no complaints!
Good job.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-02-03 14:45:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Mandie,
This is an accomplished poem with an unusual subject that I think is brilliant. You have a nice rhyme that carries the lines down the page like liquid falling. Well done.
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-01-30 16:27:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Nice work. It reveals a journey and the scheme keeps it going. I am unsure about the "sore" and "vines in despair." I fail to find their meaning but the imagery is good. Over all it is well crafted and while the begining is weak the ending is strong.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-29 13:39:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie, the philosophy of the piece is reinforced throughout. My assumptions are not. I am not sure what “old bones†represents.
I considered it was the earth, but the earth is a separate entity in your story. I considered it was a burial piece, of redemption- but when we finished, the “old bones†remained on the earth, looking skyward.
I guess, though the redemptive qualities of the piece are obvious- I am not cognizant of who “old bones†is. I want to know, but I am missing it. Leave it to me to note the qualities of the story and miss the point of the object of that story.
I do know this; at the end, I looked to the skies with “herâ€.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-01-28 11:33:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie,
Very well done. On first blush this seem simple and staight forward, the speaking of the earth and what she has suffered however, upon read and re-read one gathers so much more meaning and in different directions. An old woman who carries on--sees all that has gone before whether personal struggles or that of close ones and yet in her croning she persevers--gaining knowledge and wisdom. I really enjoyed this one and liked the duality of your accomplished pen. Lora
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