This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-02-13 18:12:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Persephone Revisited

dried out branches bloodstained the leaves tumble through Fall's whispering trees tortuous tale  changing seasons Innocence lost no rhyme; reason grieving mother looks for child lost beautiful soul horrible cost from darkest depth wild-flowered field stole her away Nether-land yield bound as his wife life without care lifeless dead earth nothing would bear mom still mourning persists and seeks cursing the earth for many weeks father made deal with daughter’s thief  seeing her tears turned a new leaf she may return from Hades’ den one condition nothing eaten four seeds she ate four months are bare lands without fruit cold dark despair mother, daughter’s bittersweet tale for once each year returns to veil  

Copyright © February 2011 Mandie J Overocker

This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-02-15 00:56:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Omit "the" in the 2nd line. Add "no" in the 8th line in front of reason Maybe "A" to begin lines 11 and 12? Semi colon after "away" on the
th line. A period at the end of 16. Followed by more punctuation... "For many weeks" is trifle and weak in the context of everything around it. There is so much power and angst that that line falls short and detracts. I would like to see you keep the feeling and emotion yet keep the verb tense as well. "mother" or mother's? It's on my list. Yippee. I love this stuff. Kindest Regards, David

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-02-13 20:51:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The tale of Persephone is a favorite of mine. I have used it in several poems and essays. In yours, the bond of Mother/Daughter is the central focus- and that is of course the metaphor of the whole story for the seasons. Whenever I write to it, it is the beauty of Persephone and the desires of Hades that usually remains central. In your view, Demeter and Persephone are dark with need. Oddly, although life (Hades, if you will) brings difficulties (and Demeter did bring an evil on those of Earth more grievous than Hades kidnapping), I always saw a joy and light that mother/daughter were allowed the time to love and bond. A dark piece, that still allows the resolution, even if for a day.
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