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Persephone Revisited dried out branches bloodstained the leaves tumble through Fall's whispering trees tortuous tale changing seasons Innocence lost no rhyme; reason grieving mother looks for child lost beautiful soul horrible cost from darkest depth wild-flowered field stole her away Nether-land yield bound as his wife life without care lifeless dead earth nothing would bear mom still mourning persists and seeks cursing the earth for many weeks father made deal with daughter’s thief seeing her tears turned a new leaf she may return from Hades’ den one condition nothing eaten four seeds she ate four months are bare lands without fruit cold dark despair mother, daughter’s bittersweet tale for once each year returns to veil |
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-02-15 00:56:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Omit "the" in the 2nd line. Add "no" in the 8th line in front of reason Maybe "A" to begin lines 11 and 12?
Semi colon after "away" on the
th line. A period at the end of 16. Followed by more punctuation... "For many weeks" is trifle and weak in the context of everything around it. There is so much power and angst that that line falls short and detracts. I would like to see you keep the feeling and emotion yet keep the verb tense as well. "mother" or mother's? It's on my list. Yippee. I love this stuff.
Kindest Regards,
David